“I don’t think I love him anymore.” Years ago, that thought chilled me to the bone. I heard God urge me, “Fight for your marriage.” That’s when I began a quest to fight on my knees.
Read more: The Quest to Fight for your Marriage on your KneesWhen I Knew I had to get on my Knees
We had been married over eighteen years when I had those thoughts about my marriage. But honestly, I had other unhealthy relationships in my life. I had grown up with constant feelings of resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness. So it’s not surprising that my marital relationship would follow suit.
I was stuck in negative feelings:
- Relationship problems consumed my life.
- I was frequently at a stalemate.
- There seemed to be no way over or around the “wall” I’d hit.
- Negative thoughts and feelings circled around and around in my mind with no end in sight.
- I experienced physical symptoms associated with my negative thoughts such as gut issues, insomnia, and headaches.
- Others felt my impatience even if they were not part of the problem.
Amy, from our novel, Love on Life Support, was stuck in negative thoughts about her marriage. Can you relate to the stress symptoms and ruminations she is having?
Amy blew out a lingering sigh, trying to expel all her bottled-up frustration. She shifted in her seat and adjusted her seat belt, but she couldn’t release the tension that has set up camp between her shoulders.
I can’t change Chris’s obstinance about his health. It’s not my job. I’m not his mother. I’ve got to leave it alone. There are more important battles to win in our rocky marriage. She forced herself to unclench her hands from the steering wheel and focus on the task of finding a parking spot in the city at night.
Love on Life Support
You’ll have to read Love on Life Support to find out how this goes for Amy, but I didn’t want my marriage to be as conflicted as my other relationships. Something had to be done! I went to God in my distress and began every morning on my knees asking for his help. Gradually I found my feelings softened. I began to see changes in me as I took responsibility for my wrong feelings.
Fight for your marriage with the Character Matrix Quest
Years later, I discovered Irwin McManus’s insightful book called Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul. Uprising, according to the back cover, is a dangerous book. It’s only meant for those who are sick and tired of feeling stuck in their emotions and ready for a revolution in their lives. Uprising is for anyone in any type of relationship, but I love the practical way it helps those in a difficult marriage.
I enjoy the approach McManus took, treating our personal spiritual journey as a Middle-Earth-worthy quest, complete with a cool map. My well-thumbed copy along with insight from another marriage mentor on our team led me to develop a tool I called the Character Matrix Quest to Identify and Heal Core Heart Issues.
Are you struggling with emotional distress like I did? We experience these physical and mental symptoms so that we will pay attention to them and work to correct the underlying reasons. If you have these problems, don’t ignore them or stuff them away. Think of them as God’s messages to you to pay attention to what you are paying attention to.
Resist the temptation to soothe your feelings with alcohol or food or other substances. Realize that this is an opportunity for real spiritual healing in your life. Are you ready to get unstuck? Download my free resource, Character Matrix Quest and follow along with the description below of the three steps to freedom.
Step 1: Start with Prayer
Be totally honest with God, he can take it! Bring your emotions to him and ask him what the core heart issues are. Ask God what does he want you to work on. Come to him with an attitude of humility, persistence, and a teachable spirit. Thank him for being on the journey with you.
I cry aloud to the LORD; I life up my voice to the LORD for mercy. I pour out before him my complaint; before him I tell my trouble. Look and see, there is no one at my right hand; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life.
Psalm 142: 1-2,4
If you are new to faith in Christ or not sure where your faith is, I have a free resource to help you understand what faith in Christ means. Download No Greater Love.
Step 2: Emotions Checklist
Turn to the Emotions Checklist on page 2 of the Character Matrix Quest. This is where you will identify the emotions you’re feeling, those you feel God is wanting you to address. There are three boxes, and as you check off emotions, total them for each box. Make sure you are thinking about your current emotions, issue, or time. At one point or the other, we have all had all those emotions! This process won’t be helpful if you check off all the emotions you have ever experienced.
Step 3: Turn to the Corresponding Quest and Begin your Journey to Fight for your Marriage on your Knees
Once you have totaled the three boxes, choose the one with the most checks. It should be obvious which box you are most struggling with in this situation. There are three quests, and each one is described in the tool providing a description of the negative emotions, the choice you are challenged to make, and the healing and growth you can expect from God as you consistently make that choice. You will find helpful Scripture references to guide you.
The Quest for Honor by Overcoming Pride & Fear
If box 1 had the most checks, turn to page 3. This will give you information about the Quest for Honor by Overcoming Pride & Fear. These two emotions are like two sides of the same coin. Pride is the feeling that “I’m more than you” and Fear is the feeling that “I’m less than you.”
The key mechanism to combat Pride and Fear is Humility. If I’m dealing with pride or fear in my marriage, my antidote is choosing humility. I have the power to choose humility and when I do I invoke the power of the Holy Spirit. Humility is an end to pretending, to be authentic. We are commanded in the Bible to be humble, we have to decide to choose this. Humility is controlled strength, not powerlessness but meekness.
As I consistently choose humility, God gives me Integrity. He will do the good work in me to help me grow in integrity. Integrity means I show up the same no matter who’s in the room and what the circumstance. What you see is what you get!
As I grow in integrity, I become a person of courage. The trait of courage is not absence of fear, but absence of self. Living a life of courage means living in your convictions without regard to pride or fear. Choosing humility will enable you to fight for your marriage with Courage.
For more information, watch this short video about humility in marriage.
The Quest for Nobility by Overcoming Greed & Hate
If box 2 had the most checks, turn to page 4, the Quest for Nobility by Overcoming Greed & Hate. Greed means you need more and Hate means the other person gets less. Hate is a harsh word, but it means choosing yourself first in your marriage.
The key mechanism to combat Greed and Hate is Gratitude, a powerful choice. We often forget to be grateful when we are dealing with marital problems. Choosing gratitude means forgiving your spouse, which is counter-cultural. Forgiving is a big topic, but it’s important to know that forgiveness is not forgetting or taking the blame yourself. It’s choosing not to treat the other person as they deserve.
As I consistently choose gratitude, God gives me Wholeness. I will trust God to do the good work of wholeness in me. When we replace greed and hate with the choice of gratitude, we exchange a black hole for a wellspring. The goal is not so much to have less but to give more.
As I grow in wholeness, I become a person of Generosity. A generous heart looks back at even the most painful experiences in our life and finds the good that God has brought out of it. Generosity is the result of a life in continuous overflow. Choosing gratitude will enable you to fight for your marriage with Generosity.
For more information about how to choose gratitude in your marriage, watch this short video.
The Quest for Enlightenment by Overcoming Foolishness & Despair
If you had more checks in box 3, turn to page 5 in the Character Matrix Quest. This page describes the Quest for Enlightenment by overcoming Foolishness and Despair. Foolishness is feeling like “I don’t know” and despair is the feeling that “I don’t care.” These can be feelings that are very dark indeed.
The key mechanism to combat Foolishness and Despair is Faithfulness. Faithfulness is taking one small step at a time and being trustworthy with what’s given to us.
As I consistently choose faithfulness, God gives me Perseverance. When we realize trials and temptations are not the punishment of God, but the process of God, we learn to see the benefit of faithfulness.
As I grow in Perseverance, I become a person of Wisdom. Doing the right thing in the right spirit at the right time defines wisdom. Choosing Faithfulness will enable you to fight for your marriage with Wisdom.
One of the most common ways we act foolishly is with our money. Watch this short video about the connection between fear and finances for more information.
The Quest to Fight for your Marriage Never Ends but it can bring you Joy and Peace
The Quest to fight for your marriage is a journey, it’s really a quest for you to become like Christ, and it’s a battle. Each marital struggle you encounter presents you with a choice. Do I let this situation or relationship make me bitter…or better? As long as I live I will need to refer to the Character Matrix Quest when I get stuck. I will always find new steps to take in my quest, and each step will benefit my own life and the life of my marriage.
Michael Jr, a Christian comedian, agrees. He says, “Life will bring you people and circumstances to reveal that you aren’t free…yet,” Watch his entertaining and very poignant video called “Conflict: A Key to Laughter and Peace.” He is masterful in laying out in a comical way the truth that our struggles can result in laughter and peace. Really!
Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.
James 1:2-4 MSG
As you work through these quests, continue to pray for God’s guidance. Ask him for specific ways you can show your spouse you are growing as a person of Courage, Generosity, and Wisdom.
Feel free to share this post about the Character Matrix Quest. The quest contains a checklist so you can keep track of your decisions. Remember we are all on a journey. The marriage you find yourself in may be challenging and hard. If you are in danger, please find a safe place and protect yourself. But your journey to freedom doesn’t end when you are physically safe. There is healing and growth for you even in the toughest situations.
So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.
John 8:36 NASB