Should we go to bed angry or not? When you and your spouse have an argument late at night, should you stay up and work through it or put it off until tomorrow? There are two sides to this issue and each have valid points. But what if neither option is the right one? Here’s how to go to bed in peace even if the conflict isn’t resolved.
Read more: Go to Bed Angry or Don’t Go to Bed Angry; That isn’t the Question!Go to Bed Angry or Don’t Go to Bed Angry
There are two schools of thought about resolving conflict. Should you deal with it right away or should you take time to think and come back to solve the conflict later? For Christians, Ephesians 4:26-27 is our go-to verse for this discussion, and may be why we tend to picture the argument happening late at night.
Be angry, and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.
Ephesians 4:26-27 NASB
Go to Bed Angry
An article by the Huffington Post called 7 Reasons it’s Totally Ok to Go to Bed Angry sums up the “go to bed angry” camp. It’s not likely that any discussion is going to end well if you’re really tired, have a 5am wake up call, or have been drinking. Things will probably just escalate.
If you’re fuming mad, in the throws of fight or flight mode, the fear circuit in your brain will take over, preventing the love circuit of your brain from firing. You won’t have the ability to reason and make good decisions. You won’t feel empathy or compassion for your partner. And you’ll most likely be quick to speak and slow to listen.
Might as well go to bed angry.
Don’t Go to Bed Angry
On the other hand, there are good arguments for not going to bed angry. This article by The Wellness Corner called Never go to Sleep Angry or Mad at Someone provides great reasons to avoid sleeping on it.
Holding onto negative emotions and sleeping on them (if you can manage to fall asleep) can have negative emotional repercussions in the long run. If you can put them aside faster, you are less likely to suffer the long term effects of insomnia. And speaking of insomnia, you are far more likely to wake up in the middle of the night if you went to bed angry.
Holding onto negative feelings about your spouse can make you less likely to believe the best about him. Research shows that there is merit to the age-old advice to avoid going to bed angry. They showed that the ability to suppress unwanted emotional memories is very important for good mental health. A habit of going to bed angry can cause us to lose that ability and make it even more difficult to get over a conflict even after it’s resolved.
Better not go to bed angry.
What Ephesians is Really Saying to Us
Let’s dig into Ephesians 4:26-27 and learn what this important Scripture is really saying to us.
“Be angry …”
God wired us for the capacity to have anger, to respond in a negative way to ungodly behavior, injustice, abuse and provocation. The original word for ‘anger’ is orgizo, meaning provoked to anger. God knows we will be provoked to anger at times, but the rest of this passage gives us clues about how to live out anger in godly ways.
“… and yet do not sin …”
‘Sin’ in the original language is hamartano and it means to miss the mark, to wander from the path of honor, to be mistaken. God wants us to know there is a way to be angry but at the same time to be honorable, to avoid turning to dishonor or offensiveness or wrongdoing.
“… do not let the sun go down on your anger …”
Here’s the part that makes us think we need to stay up all night wrangling out the conflict. There is clearly a time limit on how long to hold onto anger before taking care of it.
But notice that this passage doesn’t refer to resolving conflict at all! It’s not saying we have to stay up all night trying to come up with a solution to what’s making us angry. We just have to put a stop to the anger.
This word translated ‘anger’ is a different word than that used above. Parogismos is the word used here, and it means indignation, wrath, or exasperation. We see a shift from being provoked to anger with a situation to being provoked to indignation with a person. Instead of focusing on the situation, now the anger becomes more personal, rejecting who my spouse is at the core of his being. This kind of anger shows itself in accusing, criticizing or yelling at the other.
“… and do not give the devil an opportunity.”
This is the part of the passage that makes the hair raise on the back of my neck. How many times have I gone to bed mad, and how happy did that make our enemy? The word ‘give’ means to permit, to grant, to present. And ‘opportunity’ means space or place or power. So if I do go to bed indignant and exasperated with my husband, I am handing our enemy the power over the space of our intimate marriage relationship. Whew!
An Example from Love on Life Support
In our novel, Love on Life Support, Chris and Amy went to bed angry after a conflict. But as fate would have it, Chris winds up shortly after in an ICU with a mysterious condition. Amy experiences deep remorse that they didn’t resolve their dispute.
She had never felt so alone or terrified. A worldwide pandemic confined them – Chris in an ICU and her at home alone. He was unreachable now, unable to speak or comprehend what was happening. He was in the hands of strangers, and his life hung in the balance.
Worst of all, the last time the two of them were together, they were both so angry they raged at each other. They hadn’t even slept in the same bed.
Love on Life Support
We don’t expect every conflict to end with someone in the ICU, but the point is that our enemy will take advantage of any situation he can. Do yourself a favor and don’t give our enemy power over your marriage. Seek peace before you share words you may regret later.
We Can go to Bed in Peace with our Spouse even if the Conflict Isn’t Resolved
Ephesians 4 isn’t telling us we need to resolve conflict before going to bed, but it does warn us of the danger of letting resentment and exasperation go on too long. Good brain science confirms this danger. So let’s say you are having a disagreement with your spouse at the end of a long day. How can you go to bed in peace even if the conflict isn’t resolved? We’ll use a fictitious couple, Mitchell and Margaret as an example.
Mitchell and Margaret are having an argument about where to spend their Saturday. It’s Friday evening and the week has been especially long and rough for Mitchell. Margaret wants to go to a birthday party with her extended family, but Mitchell doesn’t want to go. They are both getting fuming mad and it’s late with no sign of a resolution. Here are some steps that can help them find the peace they need to go to sleep as partners on the same team and wake up refreshed and ready to work out a solution.
Recognize when it’s time to take a break
Mitchell has forgotten what started the argument in the first place, and Margaret has begun to talk in circles. At this point both of them are feeling the effects of the fight or flight reflex. Mitchell’s heart is pounding, Margaret’s tears are falling, and both of them are breathing fast. Mitchell actually feels like throwing something. In the middle of a tirade, Mitchell pauses in mid-sentence, suddenly aware of how he’s feeling. He silently asks for God’s help.
What are the signs you feel when you’ve gotten beyond your ability to rationally discuss things? It’s healthy to recognize when you’ve gotten to that point.
Request a Time-Out for Yourself
After Mitchell takes a deep breath, he says to Margaret in a calmer voice, “You know what, babe? I’m feeling too angry to make any sense now. And it’s getting so late. I need a time-out until the morning. Can we talk about it then?” Note – Mitchell did not say, “You need a time-out!”
How could you stop yourself in an argument? Would prayer help? A deep breath? Make sure you suggest a time to come back together and work out a solution.
Relax and Calm Down
Mitchell and Margaret each calm themselves in ways that work for them. Mitchell grabs a flashlight, puts his coat on and walks the dog. Margaret takes a long hot shower.
What methods would you use to relax and calm down?
Remember what’s Important
Mitchell comes back in the house. It’s quiet, and he closes up and walks upstairs to their bedroom. As he slips under the covers, he reaches over to squeeze Margaret’s shoulder. “Hey sweetie, I’m sorry I let myself get so worked up about this. I know this topic is emotional for both of us, but I’m committed to letting God show us a solution. We’ve fought about this so many times, but we can figure this out with some help. I love you.”
Margaret rolls over and whispers, “You’re so right. We’re a team, and together we can be better. Love you too.”
Arguments can either divide you or bring you together. Each time a new conflict rises, it’s an opportunity to work together to not only solve a situation, but to grow your oneness in Christ. When the time is right, you could ask your spouse to read this post and then talk through your responses to each step. Make a pact that the next time tempers are high, you will work together to take a time out and come back later to work things out.