show don't tell your spouse

Show, don’t Tell your Spouse

Writing our novel, Love on Life Support, was challenging for many reasons. One of them was learning how to show, don’t tell in crafting the story. As we wrote and rewrote our novel, it dawned on me that I was learning something far more important than good writing skills. I was learning how to show, don’t tell your spouse in marriage.

Read more: Show, don’t Tell your Spouse

What is Show, don’t Tell Writing?

To make it simple, showing is about using description and action to help the reader experience the story. Let the reader decide for himself what the characters are feeling rather than spelling it out for them. Telling is when the author simply summarizes what is happening in the scene.

Here’s an example from our novel to help you see the difference. Chris, the husband in our story, is getting an MRI for his serious condition (no spoilers here, you’ll have to read the book to find out more.) He’s trying to keep his mind on something else but is having trouble.

Telling

Chris hated the MRI tube. He was nervous and distracted.

Showing

The pounding of the MRI seemed to get louder. He sighed and the memory vanished. How long was this going to take? He tried to take a deep breath, but he couldn’t relax enough to fill his lungs. Was he breathing his own exhale in this tiny tube? Squeezing his eyes tighter, he willed his mind to go back to musing.

Show don’t Tell your Spouse

As I researched more about show, don’t tell, I came across a great post about mastering the art of showing vs telling. The writer said showing requires these qualities from an author.

  • Gentleness and subtlety
  • Creativity
  • Understanding your audience
  • Ability to self-edit
  • Lots of patience
  • Trust in your audience

Bingo! In reading this list, I realized how well show don’t tell applies to marriage. If I can show my spouse, it requires a little work from me, but look at all the wonderful qualities it will help me develop.

On the other hand, I remembered the many stories I’ve heard from wives about how their husbands wouldn’t listen to them. But what does it feel like to be TOLD everything? Think about the qualities above, what are the opposite qualities? Do they apply to us when we are telling our husbands rather than showing them?

  • Unkind and harsh
  • Unimaginative
  • Not getting him
  • Not thinking before speaking
  • Impatience
  • Not trusting him to get me

That’s quite a list, right? Yikes.

How I told, not showed Bruce

One of the passages I loved about Kelly Flanagan’s new novel, The Unhiding of Elijah Campbell was where the main character described a spelling bee he was in as a young boy. The word he was asked to spell was supercilious. He didn’t know how to spell it, and was ashamed to admit it, so he made a joke and got people to laugh. He spelled it, super silly us.

I had to look up supercilious, but it means haughty, disdainful or contemptuous. Sounds like a good word to add to the telling attitudes list above, right? Ironically, those with the supercilious attitudes are super silly themselves! They are no better than the people they are impatient with.

This was me for too long in my marriage. I fully ascribed to the telling not showing plan of wifedom. Super silly me!

Bruce and I became Christians after 18 years of marriage, and we had a lot of catching up to do. I wasn’t working at the time, and I had plenty of time to jump into Bible study and volunteering at church. One of the things I kept telling Bruce was we needed to be praying together on a regular basis. Actually, it wasn’t really telling, it was nagging. Becoming a Christian was a huge transformation for me, and I apparently thought I not only received the gift of the Holy Spirit, I became my husband’s holy spirit as well. Super silly me.

My constant urging did nothing to encourage Bruce, it worked in the opposite way. He was discouraged and repelled by the thought of ever praying with me. This is a very common problem in Christian marriages. Most couples, in fact most pastors and their wives, do not pray together. In an article on this topic, the author lists attitudes of wives that prevent their husbands from praying with them.

Wive’s attitudes that prevent husbands from wanting to pray with them:

  • Intimidating
  • Criticizing
  • Condemning
  • Judging
  • Acting holier than thou
  • Taking control
  • Disrespecting
  • And if those attitudes aren’t enough, wives often react negatively when their husbands do try to lead in some way!

How can I Learn to Show don’t Tell my Spouse?

The longer I’m married and privileged to peek behind the curtains into other marriages through mentoring the more I’m convinced of the impossible and incredible miracle of marriage. There is no relationship that can foster spiritual growth in me more completely than marriage. 

Unfortunately there is also no relationship that can equally foster pride and stubbornness and stagnancy in my spiritual formation than marriage.  It’s simply a measure of my own pride.

I was a Christian leader and still harbored pride and stagnancy in my spiritual formation because of my poor attitudes toward my husband’s spiritual formation. Super silly me! But I praise God for His gentle hand in guiding me to change my attitude and show Bruce my gentle and (sometimes) quiet spirit instead of harping on him. We now pray together daily, and my only regret is that I waited so long to respond to the Holy Spirit’s nudging.

Here are three suggestions if this post is nudging you to do something. Remember, your ability to change is totally dependent on your willingness to let God in to lead you.

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