As mentors, we know how to be better together in marriage, after all, we teach and write about this topic! You would think that would mean we could handle new stressors with ease, right? Hmmm, not so sure! Recently we completed our first novel together, Love on Life Support. This new exercise caused us to go back to the drawing board and relearn some things about how to be better together because we were driving each other crazy! We wanted to let you in on the story.
Read more: How we became Better Together by Co-authoring a BookDo You and Your Partner have Different Personalities?
Is your partner very different from you? Those differences are often the reason we are attracted to each other in the first place. But once we start living together and experience stressful situations, our initial attraction can wilt and annoyance blossoms in its place. Sometimes we wonder if we married the wrong person.
Maybe it would be easier to get along if our partners were just like us? In our marriage mentoring program, the couples take a marriage assessment called Prepare/Enrich. When we meet with a couple and give them the results of their marriage assessment, they’re very interested to see the pages about personality differences. They often wonder if their differences mean they are incompatible.
One research paper on personality and marital satisfaction shows that 66% of people marry someone completely different from themselves. This same research paper also concludes that marital happiness has no correlation to personality traits at all. Whether your partner is different from you or similar to you, you can still have a happy marriage. That’s great news!
We are very Different!
Maybe you’re like us. Maybe you thought you and your partner had so much in common. But then you started living together and you discover you are nothing alike. In the past three years, Bruce and I have been experiencing Act II (aka retirement). For the first time in over 40 years, we were together 24-7. And this was during COVID, so I really mean we were together 24-7!
One area where we differ is our pace. He always moved faster than I did, but at our ages now, I seem to be slowing down even more. This is a source of annoyance for both of us. Another disparity is that Bruce sees in black and white and tends to take things literally. I’m much more apt to see the grayscale and I tend to take things figuratively. Don’t even ask me about our preferences for the temperature of the house! This is such a major difference between couples that we actually know someone who went back to work out of retirement because the house was too cold for him. Indeed, we are constantly discovering new ways we differ!
We decided to use our new eBook, Better Together, to reflect on how our co-authoring was impacted by our differences. The rest of this post is an overview of each of the five personality traits our eBook examines, along with how each area was reflected in our experience in writing our novel. You can download this eBook along with another free gift by clicking Our Free Gifts to You. It contains a link to a free assessment called the Big Five, along with fill-in-the-blank charts to personalize for you and your partner.
Better Together in Being Social
The first measure of our differences in the Big Five is called Social or Extraversion. It’s a measure of how introverted or extroverted we are. This one surprised us. Bruce has always felt he was very introverted. But in the assessment, we are very close, in fact this is our closest measure of personality. According to the scale, we are both in the Average range for social.
Because we are similar and tend to be average, we have a balanced life, socially. But because we have higher energy, we also need to do a better job of resisting the urge to take on too much. This fall we are slammed with so many projects that we are running on fumes. Our desire to lead in the marriage ministry and get our book published and connect with couples sometimes gets us into trouble with over-commitment. We need to do a better job at giving ourselves breathing room.
Our similarities in extraversion made it easy for us to share openly about the story behind Love on Life Support and to be willing to be candid with our community when we asked for prayer. Bruce didn’t mind the photos I put on social media during his 30 days in the ICU and the many email updates I sent to our prayer team. When there are differences in couples in this area, the more introverted partner may be unwilling to share on social media or be open to even a small group of close friends.
What about you? How do you and your partner differ in extraversion? How does that impact your day to day life? What could you do to be better together in this category?
Better Together in Embracing Change
The second trait in the Big Five is called Change or Openness. It reflects our openness to change, our flexibility, and our interest in new experiences. We’re fairly different in this area, I’m a whopping 98% and Bruce weighed in at a high average 67%. Change thrills us, reflected in our 13 moves to different homes, including two in other countries. When chaos sometimes happens, we are good at pitching in and adjusting.
One of the drawbacks of my very high score is the danger that I will tend to “reinvent the wheel.” I love change so much that I can make chaos all by myself. I tend to go every which way and that can drive Bruce crazy.
We did run into disagreements with respect to this area while we were writing our novel. We made a plan to begin with (see the next point for detail on that), and Bruce really wanted to stick to the plan. I, on the other hand, was constantly thinking of new scenes to write, new ways to present the story, and new ways to annoy Bruce! His primary motivation was to finish within the time schedule we set. My primary motivation was to make sure the story was written really well. But I do have to admit that without Bruce, we would still be haggling over which scenes to include and what Amy’s hair color should be. LOL
How about you, are you more open to change than your spouse? How does that affect the atmosphere of your home?
Better Together in Being Organized
The measurement of how Organized or Conscientious we are is the next trait of the Big Five. Those who are persistent in pursuing goals rank high in this trait. Bruce has always been more organized and goal oriented than me so our differences in this area were no surprise to us. We usually tell people that if it wasn’t for me, we would never go out and party. And if it wasn’t for him, we would never find our way back home! I’m notorious for losing things, like keys and myself. It’s what I always got in trouble for as a kid, and it’s still my nemesis.
I’m much more of a “wing it” type person, and Bruce is the goal achiever. I wish I could be more organized but I’m so glad I was attracted to someone like Bruce. When we decided to write a novel together, the first thing we did was search for a method. Bruce found an article about the Snowflake Method of Fiction Writing. Randy Ingermanson, who developed this method, has a Ph.D. in Theoretical Physics. That alone would have sold Bruce, but when he saw that Ingermanson includes excel worksheets as part of the plan, he was all in! Bruce gladly served as the fact checker for our novel, he wanted to be precise about every detail.
The charts in our Better Together eBook encourage us to have balance between our two extremes. Neither extreme of sloppiness or OCD perfectionism is healthy. For better balance, we need to lean in toward each other, not away from each other. That’s a key importance in being better together.
In your relationship, who is the more organized one? It might be a good idea for that person to handle the bills. Just sayin’.
Better Together in Being Cooperative
The trait of Pleasing or Agreeableness reflects how cooperative versus competitive we are. It contrasts those who value success vs. those who value getting along with others. This is another area where we differ a lot! Bruce values success, he can stand up for himself, and because of those qualities, he has been very successful in his career. I am much more likely to sacrifice to please others, and I will compromise to avoid conflict. This is an area I’ve had to work on to avoid getting into codependent relationships.
When we were writing intense scenes for our book where the husband, Chris, was learning of his serious health condition, Bruce thought it would be really impactful to refer to the Jaws Theme song, which still makes me get goosebumps. Many of you are probably scratching your heads now, wondering what I’m talking about. Jaws was a movie about a shark attack from 1975, and the theme song was a scary repetition of just two notes, watch the trailer here.
I totally disagreed about using this idea, and couldn’t convince Bruce. His competitiveness and absolute love of his idea meant he would not budge. I wasn’t making any headway with my opinion so I decided it wasn’t worth arguing over, and we left it in the manuscript when we sent it to the editor. She quickly tossed that idea out, saying she wasn’t even born when the movie came out and she hadn’t seen it. I was vindicated! LOL
Our eBook gives tips to be better together by learning to trust each other’s perspectives more. And of course, that means that I need to share my feelings more honestly. That has been a journey for me, and it’s been helped by Bruce’s work to learn to be a better listener.
Who is more cooperative in your relationship? This area can cause lots of sparks to fly!
Better Together in Emotional Steadiness
The Big Five refers to this trait as Neuroticism, which is an uncomfortable word to use, but it just describes someone who is more likely to react to stress in an emotional way, and perhaps is prone to depression or anxiety. Bruce and I are both even-keeled emotionally. I am in the lower ranges and Bruce is a low average. This means we are both usually calm and collected and we can cope with life challenges without a lot of stress.
When we were writing our novel, we had quite a few challenges and disappointments. Prior to writing this book, Bruce’s writing style was powerpoint and mine was non-fiction.
We worked hard to learn fiction techniques like character point of view, showing instead of telling, and the elements of a good story. Each time we thought we had nailed it with a section of the book, we would receive the manuscript back with LOTS of suggested changes. Finally our editor said we needed a coach, not an editor. So we worked with her as our coach. We wrote and rewrote and rewrote some more before we were finished.
Our writing did improve. But we had to deal with disappointment over and over again. Because we are more emotionally steady, it never kept us down for long. We were able to recover and hit the ground running, again and again!
In your relationship, who is more emotional? If you differ from one another, the steady partner must work hard to be understanding and supportive and the emotional partner must be willing to communicate how they’re feeling in order to be better together.
Now it’s Your Turn to be Better Together
To get your free copy of our eBook, Better Together, plus another bonus resource, visit our page Our Free Gifts to You. Enjoy reading about how Adam and Eve could have been better together, take the free Big Five assessment and fill in the charts to learn how you and your partner can be better together.