Being better together is our goal in marriage. “We complete each other” sounds so romantic, doesn’t it? But what if you’re opposites? How in the world does that work?
For instance, how do we become better together if I’m more social than my husband? Here’s a few tips on how to be better together socially.
Most People Are “Normal,” Socially Speaking
If you graphed all people according to how social they were you would find most people are clustered toward the middle. On average, most people are not extremely extroverted or extremely introverted. The graph might look something like the one above. Very few people would be at the far ends of the graph.
In our imaginary graph of how social people are, you would find a lot of people who were a bit more social. You might describe them as making friend easily, being sociable, preferring a party, energized by social situations, and as having higher energy.
In this graph you would also find a lot of people who were a bit less social, or more introverted. You might describe them as making friends cautiously, being low-key, preferring a quiet evening alone, and as having lower energy.
Both of these groups of people would be clustered somewhere in the middle, and both of these groups of people are considered NORMAL!
What Happens when He’s Not NORMAL?
If you’re different from your husband socially, you were probably attracted to him because of your differences. Opposites do attract! But when stress builds, or the honeymoon is over, those differences can begin to feel like deal-breakers. All of a sudden it becomes super annoying that his quiet, reserved ways means he won’t go out and do anything social with you.
When I’m wanting some time with my peeps and he just wants to hibernate, I’m tempted to think he’s not NORMAL! So my conclusion is, he needs to change! And of course, who would be better to show him how to have more fun than moi!
Now this is the crazy part. How do we try to change someone who is introverted to be more social? We might try to force social situations on them, lie to them about a commitment we made until the last minute, or give him the silent treatment when he refuses to budge. We may end up going out socially without him.
What is Truly Not NORMAL?
Sometimes we take our social gifts to an extreme, exaggerating them in an attempt to get him to budge. The crazy part is, we ourselves can move from NORMAL to Not NORMAL – the fringes in the Normal graph!
- When making friends, the less social spouse may resist by being overly suspicious of any new acquaintances. In response, the social spouse may attempt to make friends with anyone, to the point of being naive about unsafe people.
- If the social spouse has high energy, the less social spouse may respond by becoming even more of a couch potato. In response, the social spouse may load up her calendar with too many activities.
Without realizing it, we can exaggerate our traits until they become red flags for unhealthy behavior, and we may slide into the far reaches of the normal curve above. That’s not NORMAL!
In our graph of social traits, the far extreme of someone who is high socially would include being naive about unsafe people, behaving in a risky manner, being a party animal, needing to be center stage, and hyperactivity.
The far extreme of someone who is low on the social scale would include being overly suspicious of others, refusing to participate, preferring isolation, being withdrawn, remote, or lazy.
Being Better Together Socially
I am more social than Bruce but he is more organized than me. He likes to say if it weren’t for me, we would never go out and if it weren’t for him we would never find our way back home. We’ve learned how to cope with our differences instead of trying to change each other.
Personality differences are what Dr. John Gottman, a well-known marriage expert, calls perpetual problems. Couples can get entrenched in conflict over things that are not solvable problems. Personality is one difference that is not going to go away. We can’t force someone to be something they are not. Nor would we want to! You probably fell in love with him because of his differences. 69% of married couples have a spouse who is quite different, personalty wise.
Here are some tips to help you navigate your differences socially.
- Always check with your spouse before saying yes to an invitation.
- Make sure you communicate well about upcoming social events so he can be prepared.
- Realize that your differences will be more pronounced when you are stressed. Learn how to help each other de-stress.
- And most of all, check your attitude that he’s not NORMAL at the door!
How Being Better Together Socially Works for US
One of the things Bruce and I have started doing has helped us a lot when it comes time to leave a gathering. Before the evening starts, we agree on a time when we will come home.
At first that seemed so impossible to me. I pictured myself as Cinderella, in the middle of a fascinating conversation, and the clock strikes 9:30, and I have to walk out! But Bruce isn’t that picky about leaving exactly at the time we agreed, but I also have to wrap it up so I can keep my part of the bargain. It works for us!
Being better together socially is just one way that we are growing into One as Christians. We are no longer two people, but one in God’s eyes. I want to honor my husband and he wants to do the same.
“Haven’t you read the Scriptures about creation?” Jesus replied. “The Creator made us male and female from the very beginning, and ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and live with his wife. And the two will become one flesh.’ From then on, they are no longer two, but united as one. So what God unites let no one divide!””
Matthew 19: 4-6 TPT