What does it look like to vow to stick together in sickness and in health? The traditional wedding vows are critical for the momentum of your marriage and your faith life. This is the third of a 4 month series on wedding vows.
Traditional Wedding Vows
I’ve been pondering traditional wedding vows for three months, and not only writing about what it looks like for couples to keep their vows come what may, but also reflecting on how those vows can be thought of as a blueprint for our consecration to Jesus as individuals. To read those posts, visit my Substack page called Momentum.
As I read traditional vows over and over in this process I noticed there are three phrases comparing the range of circumstances under which a couple is promising to stick together, each phrase goes from one extreme to the other.
- For Better, For Worse
- For Richer, For Poorer
- In Sickness and in Health
Probably most people live in the middle of these extremes, but I’ve attempted to examine each extreme and share some biblical wisdom for those living there. This post examines what it might look like to journey through marriage in sickness and in health. For some, sickness may require one spouse to become a caregiver, and may extend for many years. For others, sickness is a short season. In either case, one spouse will be called on to be supportive and encouraging and perhaps live outside their comfort zone.
So, let’s start with a lighthearted skit from our church, portraying what it would look like for men to have labor pains and women to stand by supportively.
In Sickness
Recently I had a conversation with a dear friend who’s husband has a terminal illness. We were discussing how hard it is to be the caregiver and to live with the knowledge that you very well may be widowed first. I asked her if she had any inkling of what she was promising on her wedding day and how that would play out in her life. She and I both agreed, nope! We had no idea what we were signing up for.
We have other friends who are living in a devastating situation involving one spouse’s paraplegia. For months, they were cared for in a hospital that served many spinal cord injury patients. Once they got to know some of the fellow patients, they were shocked at how many of them had been divorced after their injury. Our friends were broken hearted hearing the stories of spouses walking out because “I didn’t sign up for this.” When I was young, one of my uncles suffered the same fate when he had a major stroke.
On the other hand, I know of many people who are currently or had in the past stood by their spouses in dire health challenges. My father in law was so faithful to care for my mother in law for years as she suffered through dementia. It was a very difficult time for him, and he had some help, but he stuck with it to the end. His faithfulness always inspired me.
So what can we do in a practical sense to help us keep our vows when the going gets rough? One thing we’ve done is create a mission statement.
Our Act II Mission
In 2019 we set goals for what we call Act II. Bruce had retired and we committed to living on purpose in this new season of life. Gathering words to describe how we would live, and choosing a Bible verse to summarize our mission resulted in the mission board shown below.
They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green.
Psalms 92:14 NIV
We hoped that people would see these qualities in us. But shortly after hanging the board in our living room I felt compelled to ask Bruce to promise something a bit different.
“You know, we should promise to live according to this mission even if we are widowed. We don’t know which one of us will be left behind, but I think we should each promise to live this purposeful life we’ve described.”
That day, we each vowed we would continue to live according to this mission, even if widowed.
Just a short year later, when Bruce was deep into his month long ICU visit (read the blog posts below for details), I was sitting in the living room, contemplating that mission board again. Somehow those brave words now seemed foolhardy.
“God, is this going to be it? Will I ever see Bruce again? I had no idea just a year ago how soon I might actually be widowed. When we made that crazy promise to bravely forge on in widowhood, I’m not sure I meant it, Lord!”
I’m grateful today that Bruce did make it back from the hospital and after rehab, he’s doing really well. The strength of my promise remains to be tested. I pray and hope that I will keep my vows to God, whether I have a long season of caregiving or even if I’m widowed.
In Health
When times are better, richer, and healthier in marriage that’s when we are really in danger! Our culture would disagree with that. But God’s word, since it perfectly lines up with human nature, would agree. When things are going well, we get complacent, take each other for granted, and are lulled into thinking everything is going to continue just as it is. We spend as if there’s no tomorrow, and we skate along in our relationships instead of doing the hard work of building our oneness.
One of the saddest things we encounter as marriage mentors is when empty nesters decide to part ways when their children are grown. A lifetime of living together and raising a family comes to nothing. Couples tell us they have been like roommates, co-existing but not emotionally intimate. This is the danger of living in the good times for too long.
Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.
Psalms 90:12 NLT
In the times of health it’s important to build for the future. Lay up a reserve of connection, closeness, and compassion for one another. Life is truly short, and building resilience now for the future when you will need it, is really smart.
Be intentional about connecting as a couple. Attend marriage events, weekends, and getaways, you can find some listed on our Marriage Champion page. Find a small group of couples to do life with, here’s a post about making friends in small groups. Mentors are older couples who have been where you are and can show you the ropes of aging well together. Ask your pastor to check out our Marriage Champion page if you don’t have a marriage mentoring program at your church.
Last Month
Our Marriage Mentor Moments blog last month continued with our four month series on Wedding Vows. Here’s last month’s post in case you missed it: Wedding Vows: For Richer, For Poorer.
Each month we post a follow-up meditation called Momentum. It’s a deeper dive into the theme, seeking a solid core for stability, balance, purpose, and momentum in our Christian life. Married and single people alike will be encouraged by these posts. Here are last month’s Momentum posts:
To make sure you don’t miss any future posts, subscribe here: Subscribe.
Our Desperate Health Situation in 2020 was the Basis for our Novel
Surviving and even thriving during our desperate health situation in 2020 became the basis for our award-winning novel, Love on Life Support. God provided so many miracles and such an incredible real-life story. Our inspirational novel is the result, answering the heart’s cry for love, no matter what. If you haven’t read our real story behind our novel, here are the blog posts:
- In the Waiting Room
- When you need a Health Care Advocate
- Still in the Waiting
- When Little Things become Big Things
- What Do you Do when you Have a Bad Day?
Resource Recommendations
I’ve got two wonderful books to recommend this month. The first is True Companions: A Book for Everyone about the Relationships that See us Through by Kelly Flanagan (affiliate link). We all long for lifelong relationships, and this book helps us accomplish them through self-knowledge and vulnerability. There is a companion study guide for this book for small groups.
The second recommendation is Staying Power: Building a Stronger Marriage when Life Sends its Worst by Carol & Gene Kent and Cindy & David Lambert (affiliate link). These authors provide guidance for turning the next crisis in your marriage from it’s final hour to it’s finest hour. They include Crisis Help Sheets for what to do next in many different difficulties.
Next Month
Next month we will finish up our four month journey through marriage vows, and why they are critical for your marriage and your spiritual life. Stop by in June when our topic will be “To Love and Cherish you All the Days of my Life.”