Keys to Mastering Healthy Communication Techniques for Lasting Love

This is us, t-shirts revealing our original communication techniques. Bruce’s was, “To save time, let’s just assume I’m never wrong!” Mine was, “I’m just going to nod and act like I’m listening.” Both of us had very unhealthy marriage communication patterns, and they didn’t lead to harmony. Speaking of harmony, before I chose a title for this post, I used an AI app. One of the suggestions was “Cracking the Hilarious Code of Harmonious Jabbering!” If anyone was listening in, our jabbering would have sounded hilarious to others, but it certainly wasn’t harmonious! But we’ve learned and grown over the years to embrace healthy communication techniques. We hope this post will help you to develop some communication skills in your relationship too.

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The Bible’s Healthy Communication Techniques

When I first started studying the Bible I was amazed at how much of it was devoted to teaching us how to have healthy relationships. There are so many Scriptures that can help us if we would just listen and apply them to our own lives.

Virtually none of these Scriptures teach us how to change the other person. Rather, they all show us how we can respond to other people in a godly way.

James, chapter 1 spells out exactly how to communicate in a healthy way with anyone, including our spouse.

My dearest brothers and sisters, take this to heart: be quick to listen, but slow to speak. And be slow to become angry, for human anger is never a legitimate tool to promote God’s righteous purpose. So this is why we abandon everything morally impure and all forms of wicked conduct. Instead, with a sensitive spirit we absorb God’s Word, which has been implanted within our nature, for the Word of Life has power to continually deliver us. Don’t just listen to the Word of Truth and not respond to it, for that is the essence of self-deception. So always let his Word become like poetry written by your life!

James 1:19-22 TPT

It feels natural to be quick to speak and slow to listen, at least that’s how it has been for me. I can think back through my life and sadly only name a handful of people who truly were slow to speak and quick to listen. Those people have had a lasting impact on my life.

I hope my journey to be a better listener will never end. And one of the people I most often fail to listen to is my own husband. I guess it’s familiarity that causes me to drop all pretenses of politeness and get sloppy. But this passage provides some sobering reasons to continue working to remember God gave me two ears but only one mouth.

• Being quick to speak and slow to listen will cause me to become angry sooner. This is human anger, born of selfishness.
• When I fail to listen first, that’s evidence that virtue and humility and graciousness is lacking in me.
• Since I know what God’s word says about being slow to speak and quick to listen, doing the opposite shows I discount the powerful word of God. This is the essence of self-deception as a Christian.

Listening 101

When surveyed, 96% of people claim they are good listeners. But according to this article, only half of people retain what others say. When your spouse speaks, do you listen to understand, or do you listen to formulate your rebuttal? Being a good listener is a skill that can be taught, and as your skills improve, you will be communicating love and honor to your spouse in a compelling way.

Here are a few techniques that can help you become a better listener.

• Use non-verbal expression as you listen. Make good eye contact, lean toward them, stop what you are doing to listen. Put your phone down! Nod or smile to let them know you are tracking with what they are saying.
• Resist the temptation to interrupt or to break in to defend yourself or rebut what they are saying. Focus on listening to understand.
• Do ask for clarification, especially to understand how they are feeling about what they’re saying. If they don’t share what they’re feeling, ask them. “How does this make you feel?”
• Focus on their non-verbals such as their facial expression, body language, and tone of voice. What vibes are you picking up from them?
• When they are finished, summarize what they said and ask, “Did I get this right?” Validate their feelings, never deny them. No one can tell another person that their feelings are wrong.
• Remember you don’t have to agree with what they said, only understand it and how it makes them feel.

Good listening skills show your partner that you value them and that their feelings matter to you.

Listen here to a short video with a well-known psychologist about improving your listening skills with your spouse.

Speaking 101

One of the hardest things for us to learn about communication techniques was to share our feelings openly. Neither of our birth families were very good at doing this, and we brought those habits into our own marriage. It was through our training as Marriage Mentors that we began to learn some healthy new skills.

Here are some tips for good speaking skills:

• Speak for yourself, use “I” words, not “you.”
• Don’t mindread or assume you know what your partner is thinking.
• Tell them what you want, not what you don’t want.
• Check your non-verbals. Avoid finger pointing, sarcasm or a contemptuous tone of voice. Have good eye contact.
• If you are too angry to think straight, ask for a time-out and plan to come back together at a later time to discuss the issue more calmly.
• Don’t go on and on. If you are the type to “think out loud,” it may be a good idea to write down what you want to say beforehand and read the message to your spouse. Try to be clear and to the point.
• Always share honestly how you are feeling.
• If your partner is quieter than you are, allow some silence in the conversation, give them time to think before they respond.

One of our favorite books about happy marriages is Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn. Read this short post about Secret #9: Don’t tell it like it is.

Examples of marriage communication

Here are two examples of how a wife might share her frustration over her husband’s responsibilities at home. What patterns of communication do you notice?

"Last week when I had to work late I made some assumptions that apparently were false. You got home long before me, so I assumed you would fix a snack for the kids and then make sure they got their homework done before I got home. You should know the routine by now, why do I have to tell you what to do? It’s like I have three children! I was dragging by the time I got home and nothing was done at all. You just asked when dinner was going to be ready! I worked so hard all day under stressful situations and drove an hour through heavy traffic to get home. All the time you’re just sitting on the couch playing video games and the kids are on their phones, no homework is done and they’re starving. I’m overwhelmed with all I have to do around the house and I work longer hours than you do. You would think a grown man would be able to look around and see what needs to be done and not just wait for me to come home. Didn’t your mother teach you any responsibility? I feel like I have to do everything around here."

What about this example? Which one of these examples is most healthy?

"It’s so nice to know you are usually off early enough to pick up the kids and bring them home when I have to work late. But I usually feel overwhelmed and exhausted when I get home, and it would help tremendously if you would always give them a small snack and ask them to get their homework done right away. That way we could all have some fun family time after dinner."

Assertiveness or Speaking the Truth in Love

Speaking the truth in love is how the Bible defines mature communication.

Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Ephesians 4:15 NIV

We call this communication “assertiveness.” Most of us err in one way or the other in communicating to others. We can focus on speaking the truth only without regard to kindness or love, which can come across as aggressiveness. Or we can shy away from speaking the truth, and never be totally honest. This can come across as passivity or passive aggression. It’s only when we can be balanced between speaking truth in loving ways that we are truly assertive. This is the way Jesus communicated.

For more help in learning to speak the truth in love, read Speaking the Truth in Love: How to be an Assertive Christian.

Let your Marriage Communication Techniques be like Silver Boxes with a Bow on Top

Good communication is a skill that can be taught. Most of us don’t grow up learning how to be good listeners or to share our feelings in an honest way. But learning good listening skills go a long way toward helping a couple to solve problems together. Our words are very important and one way to honor your spouse is to really listen to their words and then present words back to them.

In our novel, Love on Life Support, Amy comes to understand how important her words are to her husband, Chris.

She realized now how important words were. They can be life-giving and healing, or they can tear down and destroy. She hoped these words could heal some of the wounds her past words had caused.

Love on Life Support

One of my most precious mentors, Florence Littauer, wrote a book called Silver Boxes, and included this poem about the preciousness of our words. I can still hear Florence’s words of regret in this poignant poetry.

My words were harsh & hasty
And they came without a thought.
Then I saw the pain & anguish
That my bitter words had brought.

Bitter words that I had spoken
Made me think back through the past;
Of how many times I'd uttered
Biting words whose pain would last.

Then I wondered of the people
I had hurt by things I'd said;
All the ones I had discouraged
When I didn't use my head.

Then I thought about my own life
Of painful words I've heard;
And of the times I'd been discouraged
By a sharp and cruel word.

And now clearly I remember 
All the things I might have done;
But, by a word I was discouraged
And they never were begun.

So help my words be silver boxes,
Neatly wrapped up with a bow;
That I give to all so freely,
As through each day I gladly go.

Silver boxes full of treasure, 
Precious gifts from above;
That all the people I encounter
Might have a box of love.

Florence Littauer, Silver Boxes

As you read this post, did you realize there was room for improvement in your own communication? Even though I wrote it, I’m still on a journey to be consistent! You may be thinking that you’re not the only one who needs to be better at communication in your marriage. I’m sure that’s very true. But you are the one who read this article, and I want to encourage you to make some changes yourself. Instead of telling them how they should improve, show your spouse by your improved skills that you really do value them and want to understand them. Start today by presenting your words to the love of your life as if they were wrapped in silver boxes with a bow on top.