Talking about your troubled marriage can be intimidating. Consequently most couples wait up to six years before asking for help in a troubled marriage. But the only way healing can occur is to tell the story and ask for help. How do you break through the barriers and tell your story?
Read more: How Telling your Troubled Marriage Story may Lead to HealingHow do you tell your Troubled Marriage Story to yourself?
Before you tell the story to someone else, think about how you tell yourself the story. You may not tell yourself stories out loud, but we all do have an inner narrative about things that trouble us. So, in a sense, we do tell ourselves stories. How does your story go? Who is the hero? Who is the villain? How do you picture the ending?
The more we dwell on any problem, the larger the problem seems to get, and the smaller the positives seem. The outcome seems more and more dreary. For someone who has struggled in a troubled marriage for years, they may not even remember what attracted them to their spouse in the first place. Their memories of the good times have diminished so much that they are almost gone. Sometimes we start believing that our spouse is the villain and we are the hero.
Please Note: In cases of abuse, we always encourage a spouse to get somewhere safe and put some boundaries up. There is no excuse for abuse, and while God hates divorce, He also hates abuse. If you are being abused, please contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
If you are concerned about having that URL in your browser history, you can call them at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).
www.thehotline.org
What is the true story about your troubled marriage?
What is the true story about your marriage? How do you talk to yourself about your marriage struggles? If you were to tell someone else, would you be tempted to say something like, “I’m not perfect, but…” and then go on and on for many minutes?
The true villain in any marriage is our enemy, the devil.
“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith.”
1 Peter 5:8-9a
The heroes of your marriage story are you and your spouse. Yes, really! God is cheering you on, and if you seek His support and the support of godly people who are trained to help you, you can defeat the enemy. God’s hope is that you discover this truth and together you and your partner can emerge as true heroes.
Take a few minutes and think about the story of your marriage. If you and your spouse are the heroes and the devil is the enemy, can you imagine how God would write your story? What scheme of the devil has played a part in your marriage up to now? How have you believed the lies of the enemy? How have you unwittingly contributed to your marital struggles?
Now dream about how you and your spouse could defeat the bad guy and come out victors in your marriage. What would that look like? What could you do to encourage your spouse in the battle ahead?
Will you Honestly Share your Story with God?
Now that you have told yourself the hero’s version of your troubled marriage story, it’s time to talk to God about it. For some, we need to begin with lament. Has it been a long time of struggle for you? If so, you can probably agree with King David as he cried out to God about his brokenness.
“How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me?”
Psalm 13:1-2
God is ok with us wailing and being honest with how we feel, as Amy illustrates in our new book, Love on Life Support.
“Amy ended the call with shaking hands, then dropped her cell phone in her lap. She felt adrift, cut off from Chris, her husband and anchor. Panic crushed her as she envisioned the worst. Her imagination took over, filling her mind with tragic scenarios. She wailed, feeling helpless and hopeless.
“I need you now, God. Help me! How much more can I endure?””
Love on Life Support
David shared his deepest pain many times in Scripture. But after complaining to God, he always ended his prayers reciting God’s truth, even if he didn’t feel it at the moment. Pay attention to the verb tenses in the passage below. David remembers how he trusted God in the past, then he affirms that he will rejoice and sing in the future.
“But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.”
Psalm 13:5-6
Share your deepest regrets and frustrations with God. And then ask Him to help you and your partner find victory over your enemy together. Ask Him for vision to tell the truth from the lies and keep coming to Him in prayer. Tell him your dreams about your marriage and ask for His wisdom.
Spend time just listening for His wise counsel. As you picture your dreams for your marriage, what thoughts come to mind? Jot down ideas that come to you that would be helpful and bring life to your marriage.
Here is a 30 day Marriage Mentor Prayer Calendar that may help you. Each day has a Scripture to pray for you and for your spouse.
Will you Share your Story with a Person who could Help?
As you continue praying, asking God for wisdom, and dreaming about your marriage, consider who you might ask for help. God has placed many people who are Marriage Champions, who have a passion for helping couples and who have some training to know how to help.
Be sure you can trust who you tell. Trustworthy confidants would keep your story private, would be honest with you and would resist blaming your spouse. A Christian confidant would encourage you and your spouse as heroes of your story.
Someone needs to hear your story who can offer help and encouragement and prayer. Someone with skin on. Counseling may be an option, or marriage mentors if your church provides that ministry. Your pastor or a church leader should be able to point you in the right direction. We have Free Gifts for You, and one of them is a document called “Marriage Mentoring Defined.” In it you will learn the difference between counseling and mentoring.
We hope we have encouraged you to start telling your troubled marriage story. First, to yourself, then to God and finally to a Marriage Champion. We pray you become the heroes of your marriage story and that it has a happy ending.
“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 1:6
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