The Good News about Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn and Tally Whitehead is still providing hope to hurting marriages. Here’s how to debunk discouraging myths about marriage and find hope.
Read more: The Good News about Marriage: There is Hope!What is the Good News about Marriage?
Have you ever heard someone say that the divorce rate in the US is 50 percent? Or that it is no different between churchgoers and those who do not attend church? How about remarriages – have you heard that a much higher percentage are doomed to fail?
It turns out, all of these statements are nothing but urban legends.
Shaunti Feldhahn decided to check out this statistic. After spending hours unsuccessfully trying to find the citation she came up empty-handed. And that is how The Good News About Marriage came to be.
There is one common denominator among marriages that survived versus those that failed. “Did the couple have a sense of hope . . . or a sense of futility?”
A couple’s futile feeling that “We aren’t going to make it” ends up being one of the main reasons they don’t make it.
The Good News about Marriage
You’ll have to read the book to learn about how the urban legends started. Feldhahn found that the actual divorce rate has never been close to 50 percent. In fact, it’s actually been declining over the last thirty years. But more important than debunking the mythical divorce rate, we want to share some hopeful news about marriage.
- Most marriage problems are not caused by major issues like addiction, abuse, or affairs.
- More than 99 percent of married people care deeply about their spouse.
- In 82 percent of struggling couples, one partner is simply unaware that their spouse is not happy.
- What discourages couples is the thought that marriage is inherently hard or complicated. This is why it is so encouraging when they see that a few simple changes can make a big difference.
The Power of a Wife in a Hopeless Marriage
Statistically, most divorces are initiated by wifes, and there’s even a widely used phrase about the trend, “walk away wife.” Amy, from our novel Love on Life Support, ruminates about whether divorce is her only option.
Amy tossed her phone back in her purse then sat tapping her chin for a few minutes. She remembered passing some new apartments on the way to the hospital and wondered if she should start looking for a different place to live once Chris recovered. She didn’t want to leave – it scared her to even think about the “D” word. And didn’t she promise she would never go there? For a moment, fear caught in her throat, and she felt panicky. No matter how bad their marriage had been in the past, she had never thought about leaving Chris. But this intense stress was getting to her. Was Yo right? Would ending this be better for us in the long run?
Love on Life Support
The vast majority of the calls we receive from our church website asking for marriage help come from wives. Counselors we know say the same thing. Women are far more likely to initiate not only divorce, but calls for help in their marriage. Women seem more in tune with the emotional state of their relationship. And they’re more apt to work to improve things.
Think about the power that women hold because we recognize the problems first and are willing to ask for help. That’s good news! Just don’t stop there.
Here’s a short Loveology video from a marriage therapist. He’s answering a woman’s question; is she giving up too soon on her marriage? And a blog post from Shaunti Feldhahn about a woman who thinks she got divorced too soon.
How to Turn your Hopeless Marriage into Good News
While women are usually the first to seek help, the husband is usually the first to quit counseling. If this happened to you, don’t give up! Keep trying until you find a counselor that your husband can relate to. Or go yourself with a humble attitude to find out how you can grow as a woman of God. Are you are willing to admit your own fault and grow yourself? If your husband sees a change in you, he will be much more willing to change himself.
This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
James 1:19-20 NASB
We believe that if only one spouse changes, the entire relationship can change. Most couples develop patterns of conflict in their relationship. So when stressful events occur, they go through the same old arguments, over and over again, like a well-rehearsed dance. If one spouse breaks the pattern, and responds differently, the dance will have to change.
As the Loveology video stated, today’s culture is probably not going to encourage you to stay in the marriage. We need other people to encourage us. I was mentoring a wife once who told me that everyone she knew was divorced. She heard about divorce every time she turned the TV on. She said she thought God was telling her to get divorced! I was grateful for the chance to encourage her. We were probably the only people in their lives who supported marriage.
My blog post, How Telling Your Troubled Marriage Story may Lead to Healing, may be a good next step for you. It provides some practical steps you can take to find someone who will support you in sticking with your marriage.
The truth is, the marriage you always wanted may be just around the corner.