Wedding vows in sickness and in health … those vows we took when we were such babies. We were madly in love, eager to get started adulting. The wedding vows were dutifully repeated before God, family, and friends. We had no idea what we were promising.
“Wedding Vows” are Nouns
I don’t remember our exact vows from 45 years ago. No one was writing their own vows then. We just repeated the vows after our officiant. As close as I can remember they went something like this.
“I, bla-bla-bla … love, honor, cherish … bla-bla-bla … for better and for worse … bla-bla-bla … in sickness and in health … bla-bla-bla … as long as we both shall live.”
A vow can be a noun. Back then, I would have thought of my vows as a noun. Webster defines vow as “a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment, committing oneself to an act, service, or condition. A solemn or earnest declaration.”
I wasn’t following Jesus, I was merely going through the motions of being raised in church, and being steeped in its traditions. I never questioned being married in church. It was just what you did. I also didn’t question the solemnity of repeating these vows before God, family, and friends.
Looking back, I never understood my vows until they became a verb. I never understood how my vows would change my life until they bacame a verb for me.
“Wedding Vows” became Verbs
At the very beginning of the Covid-19 surge in Michigan, the unexpected happened. After months of escalating headaches, a brain MRI revealed my husband Bruce had a massive collection of blood pushing his brain sideways. I dropped Bruce at the emergency room doors and wasn’t allowed to even get out of my car as they whisked him away into the bowels of the hospital. Here’s one of my blog posts about that.
We had previously enjoyed great health. Well, mostly great health. But now, I was plunged right into sickness. My vows transformed instantly into verbs.
What do I do now? What’s my next step in fulfilling my vows? What does Bruce need me to do? How can I best help him?
We had chosen a path of faith in Jesus years before. I had a fair amount of Bible study under my belt. I had experience in walking through difficulties with my faith intact. But I’m still human, and I still struggled at that moment to know what to do next.
I was afraid, alone, and worried. Each emotion was intense and debilitating. They put me into the “fight, flight or freeze” mode because of the part of my brain that was activated. I knew this mode made me incapable of helping Bruce or fulfilling my vow in sickness.
I knew God was inviting me to consider, call, and continue.
As I parked my car in the ER parking lot, it was time to go to work.
When in Sickness, Consider instead of Fear
Fear gripped me. I sobbed and shook. I couldn’t think straight. My wedding vows were the last thing on my mind. After a few moments of freaking out, I quieted and started listening to God. He would help me transform my fear into obedient acts of vow keeping.
“Consider,” He said. “Stop, think carefully about what is happening. I will help you make a decision about your next step. Reflect on how you are responding. Remember what I have taught you in the past. You know My word, contemplate it.” The following verse came to mind.
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.
James 1:2 NASB1995
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t about to consider it all joy. Not at this moment. But I had enough faith, enough trust in my Jesus to at least consider. I knew this was the first step in finding all joy, something that may take years for me to discover in this situation. God is the premier neuroscientist, He designed our brains and He knows how to teach us to use them to the best advantage.
Considering, the act of slowing down my thoughts and searching for deeper meaning, is a process of my pre-frontal cortex. If I can trigger that part of my brain to activate by considering, I will deactivate the desperate screaming part of my brain that is stuck in fight, flight or freeze. I know keeping my vow in sickness depends on an activated pre-frontal cortex, the part of the brain neuroscientists call The Executive.
When in Sickness, Call on Community instead of Isolate
I was alone in my car in the parking lot. Covid-19 was revving up to be a full blown pandemic. I couldn’t be with Bruce, they wouldn’t allow me to be with him. Or was I alone? I realized I wasn’t alone, isolation wasn’t going to help me. I began to call on community.
Jesus made me the promise – He will never leave me. He was right there with me in the car. I talked to Him. He talked to me, and I listened.
My phone speed-dialed our daughter. In minutes she came, sitting in the car with me. We ignored the warnings about masks and hugs. I needed her there.
Through my cell phone I had instant access to a large number of friends and family who loved us and would pray for us. I texted them. My phone started responding with love and messages of hope and concern. They were praying for Bruce. I joined them in those prayers.
I looked around me. There were many cars sitting near me, engines running, occupants waiting for a phone call to tell them the fate of their loved ones. I was not alone. How many of those other people were truly alone, without God’s presence? I prayed for them.
Honor me by trusting in me in your day of trouble. Cry aloud to me, and I will be there to rescue you.
Psalms 50:15 TPT
This is not the time to pull away and neglect meeting together, as some have formed the habit of doing. In fact, we should come together even more frequently, eager to encourage and urge each other onward as we anticipate that day dawning.
Hebrews 10:25 TPT
When in Sickness, Continue instead of Give up
I was worried. My mind wanted to freak out. My thoughts went to unmentionable developments for Bruce. Would he get Covid? What were they going to do to help him? Would he need brain surgery? What would his outcome be? Would he ever walk out of the hospital? Would I ever see him again?
Continuing on in these acts is the hardest for me. My tendency to fear and isolation and worry are not going to disappear just because I thwarted them once. My old nature is still going to insist on getting a word in edgewise. I knew the process I began in that ER parking lot had to continue. I had to develop staying power in trusting God for the next step, the next moment.
That’s the only way I could continue to keep my vow in sickness. It was not a one-and-done deal. It had to become my default mode.
Don’t be pulled in different directions or worried about a thing. Be saturated in prayer throughout each day, offering your faith-filled requests before God with overflowing gratitude. Tell him every detail of your life, then God’s wonderful peace that transcends human understanding, will guard your heart and mind through Jesus Christ. Keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God, praising him always. Put into practice the example of all that you have heard from me or seen in my life and the God of peace will be with you in all things.
Philippians 4:6-9 TPT
Wedding Vows in Sickness and in Health
My work to consider, call on community, and continue to keep my vows in sickness lasted for 30 days. I went to the mat with my fear, isolation and worry hourly during that time. But we made it. Bruce returned home, he recovered after months of therapies. The whole story is really amazing. We are in the process of writing a book about it now.
But next time, I will blog about what happens in the space between sickness and health. As a caregiver for a spouse, what does it look like to keep your vows when you are that in between space? What about when the definition of “in health” changes forever?
I have friends who are in that space. I have struggled with this as well. I’m giving this topic time to percolate and listen to what God has to say about it. Are you a spouse caregiver? Please share your experiences.