Oneness in marriage is usually a journey. Most of us (69%) marry someone very different from us, personality wise. How can we ever become so close that we are truly “one” when we’re so different?
Are You as Different as We are?
Do you and your spouse share the same personality? Neither do we! When Bruce and I were first married 43 years ago we thought we were perfect for each other because we were so alike. But before long we realized we were a perfect match because we were totally opposite in every imaginable way!
We found the t-shirts above in an airport shop and loved them. They reflect our differences and add a little humor. Bruce’s shirt says, “To save time let’s just assume I’m never wrong!” My shirt says, “I’m just gonna nod and act like I’m listening.” I’m more of an extrovert, sort of scattered, and I lose things often.Bruce is more of an introvert, he’s very detail oriented, and keeps everything very orderly. He likes to say if it weren’t for me, we would never get out to see people. And if it weren’t for him, we would never find our way back home.
When we share the Prepare-Enrich marriage assessment with couples they see the personality graph and grin sheepishly, as if they think it’s bad that they are so different. I believe it’s actually God’s plan that you are attracted to someone who’s not like you. Most of us are, after all.
Becoming one in a Biblical sense doesn’t mean our personalities will change so that we are exactly alike. But it does mean that we will embrace each other’s differences and honor them instead of assuming he is wrong and I am right and he needs to change!
I have a complementary personality assessment you can take to learn about your differences. If you each take it, you can compare your strengths and weaknesses and talk about how you can embrace and honor each other’s differences.
Celebrate that “We’re so Different”
Before we understood the beauty of two different people becoming one, we both tried to change the other. Let’s face it, most of us have the feeling that “the world would be a much better place if everyone were more like me!”
Neither of us was successful at changing the other. I was still disorganized and he still had difficulty going with the flow. I was still too easy-going on the kids and he was still stricter at discipline.
We both wish we had embraced each other’s differences and worked together as a team. But we are much better at doing that now. Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Divide your tasks according to your personality strengths. I’m not very detail oriented, so it makes sense for Bruce to keep track of finances, for instance.
- Discuss how your differing strengths can help your relationship during stressful times. Who is the calmer one? Let that spouse take charge in challenging times. Stressful reactions can cloud your clear thinking, and when we are very emotional we might tend to think of a non-emotional spouse as not caring enough. He’s not wrong, just different!
- Start paying attention to your spouse’s good qualities. Each day write down 3 things you noticed about your spouse that you love and thank God for them. In the beginning you may have trouble thinking of any, but over time you will begin to notice more and more good qualities.
- Ask God to show you how you differ and how that can help you grow together, not apart. Pray in this way: “Lord, help my husband and me to be devoted to one another in love, honoring each other above ourselves. I know that in your grace, you have given my husband and I different gifts, so help me to value those gifts.” (Based on Romans 12:10, 6)
We just celebrated Mother’s Day. Father’s Day will be here in about a month. What would happen if we honored and respected our husbands like it was Father’s Day every day of the year? What if you began every morning asking God to show you how to encourage your husband by noticing his best qualities?
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you…We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us…Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:3,6,10 NIV