What do you do when you have a bad day? I’ve had many bad days recently. Days when I wondered if my 43 year marriage was about to abruptly end in widowhood, as my husband Bruce fought for his life.
Stuff it and Keep Going
When you’re having a bad day, there are lots of ideas on how to handle it, including 26 Things to Do When You’re Having a Bad Day.
Many of us are tempted to stuff it and keep going when we have a bad day. Willingness to really grieve a loss is rare in our culture. Instead we use busyness, media, substances, food, shopping, unhealthy relationships, and even serving in church to numb our pain. We can also spin the pain to others and ourselves, covering our truth with shame.
We deny our true feelings, which, after a string of bad days or seasons, causes us to anesthetize all our emotions. We lose our passion for life and those we love, including God.
God shows us a counter-cultural way to deal with pain and loss.
The God-like response to loss is neither spin nor cover-up. Scripture teaches us to deal honestly and prayerfully with our losses and disappointments (big and small), and all their accompanying and confusing emotions. Why? Losses are indispensable if we are going to change and grow into the men and women God has called us to be.
Peter Scazzero
During Bruce’s hospitalization I was very open with God, wailing through the repeated disappointments, asking Him terrifying, unanswered questions. I could have been more open about my pain with our family and friends. I was sending daily emails with updates and prayer requests.
The reason I know I wasn’t as open about bad days was several people privately asked me, “How are you REALLY doing?”
I justified my shame by thinking I couldn’t cause my family to worry more. But I’m afraid I actually taught them an unhealthy lesson: stuff it and keep going.
Go to Bed and Cry
In 2001 I lost a wonderful mentor. Karen was a leader and Bible teacher who shared many wise lessons with me that still resonate.
Karen had metastasized breast cancer in her bones. During her long illness, she worked hard to continue serving God. She taught a women’s class at our church, eventually bringing a co-teacher in so she would only have to teach every other week. She once told me that every single ounce of energy she had for two weeks went into writing her lessons.
One day Karen told me that someone asked her. “what do you do when you have a bad day?” Karen was very forthright, you never had to guess what she was thinking. She replied, “What do I do when I have a bad day? I go to bed and cry! What do you do?”
I have thought about that lesson many times in the 19 years since Karen’s passing. I’m so glad she was vulnerable and humble enough to share that with me. It was an encouragement for me to be as honest and open as Karen was; even about the messy, emotional days when all we can do is go to bed and cry.
We have a great example of this openness in Jesus Himself.
During Christ’s days on earth he pleaded with God, praying with passion and with tearful agony that God would spare him from death.
Hebrews 5:7 TPT
What are Your Bad Days Like?
Bruce was in the hospital for 30 days, undergoing two brain surgeries for an extremely rare condition, all during the COVID crisis. Your bad days probably look different than mine. But we can’t discount our bad days just because they aren’t as serious as someone else’s.
Your bad days may be filled with worry about your finances, or worry about wayward kids, or anger about your marital conflicts, or despair about your unfaithful spouse.
There were many days when I was passionately desperate with tearful agony, pleading for Bruce’s life to be spared. I went to bed and cried.
I want to give you permission to do that. Go to bed and cry.
Just don’t stay there.
Why Cry?
Crying is a healthy way to relieve pressure and stress. They say tears contain poison, so let them flow. Let off steam and be honest with your pain and fear.
Jesus was. When Jesus prayed to be spared from death, he was sweating blood. The ancient words used to describe his agony was more like weeping and wailing than a minor sniffle. His face was probably covered in tears and snot.
So go to bed and cry, just don’t stay in bed wallowing. God will honor your honesty, he will activate the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, to wrap his arms around you, pat you in the back and whisper, “it’s going to be ok.”
Each time I wailed my pain and fears out to God, I followed up by getting on my knees in prayer.
Dry Your Tears and Pray
I would start by rehearsing out loud what I stood for and what I stood against.
I stood for:
- My Lord Jesus Christ who died on the cross for me, rose three days later and sits at the right hand of the Father in Heaven.
- My Almighty God, my Everlasting Father, my Wonderful Counselor, my Prince of Peace, who is in me and I in him.
- My family, Bruce, our kids and their families who are all sealed and protected by the Holy Spirit of Jesus. No one has authority over us but Jesus himself.
I stood against:
- Our enemy, Satan and his fallen angels, the Father of Lies and Fear.
- The spirits of despair, fear, depression, anxiety, confusion, and hopelessness.
Under the authority of Scripture and in the name of my Lord Jesus Christ, I commanded our enemy and his angels to be gone from my home, Bruce’s bedside, and our kids homes and to go wherever Jesus commanded them to go (Matthew 28:18, Luke 10:19-20). I spoke this prayer out loud,
I would repeat this process any time I needed it, maybe multiple times a day. I was able to sleep well most nights, and felt God’s presence with me throughout our whole ordeal. I know I still have a lot to learn about trusting God and spiritual warfare. But I counted God faithful to His promises and able to help me not just survive this time, but to actually thrive in it. I believe that’s what He did for Jesus too.
But even though he was a wonderful Son, he learned to listen and obey through all his sufferings.”
Hebrews 5:8 TPT