Doesn’t this title intrigue you? What are the secrets of sex and marriage? Inquiring minds want to know. We were part of the launch team for this great book and couldn’t wait to share it with you.
Read more: Marriage Book Review: Secrets of Sex and MarriageThe Secrets of Sex and Marriage: 8 Surprises that Make all the Difference by Shaunti Feldhahn & Dr. Michael Sytsma
If you’ve never read a book by Shaunti Feldhahn, you’re in for a treat. She comes from Harvard and Wall Street before becoming a social researcher and best-selling author. She and her husband Jeff have sold nearly 3 million books in twenty-five languages. Two of their most popular books were For Women Only and For Men Only. We loved them, but one of our favorites was The Kindness Challenge. We ran a very large study group on that topic a few years ago at our church. It was so much fun.
Shanti’s co-author, Dr. Michael Sytsma, is a nationally known sex therapist. Shaunti, Jeff and Dr. Michael met for many discussions that might have made all of us blush. They knew that people purchase a lot of books about sex, even though almost no one wants to talk about it. Sex is one of the most common areas of disagreement in a marriage, and there is a lot of confusion about realistic expectations, probably fueled by media and movies. That motivated the team to create the largest nationally-representative study conducted with married couples about sex and create this book that dispels myths and frankly shares why sex matters and how knowing what is “normal” is half the battle.
What we loved about Secrets of Sex and Marriage
Bruce and I were able to read an advanced copy of Secrets and participate in several zoom calls with Shaunti and Dr. Michael. They gave us insights into their methodology and their hopes that this book will help partners intimately understand their spouses and create the marriage they’ve always wanted.
Bruce and I have very different personalities and that is reflected in every aspect of our relationship. Let’s just say his love language is physical touch and mine isn’t! As a result, we each loved different things about Secrets of Sex and Marriage.
What Bruce Loved
Bruce thought their discussion of the frequency of sex was most interesting. The study they conducted asked how many times per week couples had sex. The results were interesting.
- 23% of couples have sex less than once a month (or not at all)
- 28% have sex one to three times per month
- 29% report one to two times per week
- 15% say they have sex three to six times per week
You have to conclude from these similar percentages that there really is no “normal.” But they did note that, “94% of couples who are happy with the frequency of sex are also happy in marriage.”
What Deb Loved
I appreciated not only the great research and interesting charts in the book. But as Christians, the authors wrote about the spiritual aspects of the sexual relationship.
“At its fullest, sex is about sharing and creating a profound intimacy with each other – a oneness that often takes years of learning and growth to experience in full…Intimacy and oneness are central to God’s very nature – and to His heart.”
Secrets of Sex and Marriage
How does this book apply to your Marriage?
One of the tools we use in marriage mentoring is the Prepare-Enrich Marriage Assessment. Since 2012, we have facilitated 120 assessments, some for couples who were seeking help and some for couples who were applying to be marriage mentors. The Prepare-Enrich includes questions about the sexual relationship. So for this blog, we decided to dig into those questions and see what we could learn.
We chose to look at just one question on the assessment compared to the couple’s overall satisfaction with their sexual relationship. The question is:
“I am comfortable talking with my partner about sexual issues.”
Prepare-Enrich Assessment
Of the 120 assessments we looked at, 59 of the couples agreed that they were comfortable and 61 either disagreed or were unsure. Comparing these answers with their overall satisfaction with the sexual relationship, we concluded from our little study that couples who are comfortable talking about sexual issues with each other have 3 times the level of overall satisfaction with their sexual relationship.
Secrets of Sex and Marriage provides more insight into talking about sex.
“People who are able to talk about sex with their spouse have significantly more sex. The reverse is also true: People who find it awkward to talk about sex – or avoid doing so altogether – have much less sex.”
The Secrets of Sex and Marriage
Our conclusion – and we hope yours as well – is that it’s time for you two to get talking. Purchase the book and read it together!
Where to Find The Secrets of Sex and Marriage
The Secrets of Sex and Marriage can be found on Amazon and most major book retailers. But if you visit secretsofsexandmarriage.com, you will find a host of valuable information including the Appendix that contains their methodology and research process. You will also find sensitive articles on topics such as sexual pain, marital rape, and sexual compulsion.
Shaunti and Dr. Michael are still hard at work developing more resources for us. In August 2023, the Secrets of Sex and Marriage For Churches will be released. And in the fall of 2023, look for a streaming course for couples to help them grow in their intimate life. We’re looking forward to digging into those.