Someone recently asked us what is the number one reason married couples have conflict? We looked at each other-one glance confirmed we both had the same idea. Yep-the number one reason married couples have conflict, as we see it, is immaturity – revealed in the way they speak to one another.
How we Speak Reveals our Maturity
The Bible says the mark of a mature Christ-follower is “speaking truth in love.” This is how Christ Himself spoke, and we are asked to grow up into His example. Speaking truth in love is another way of saying “be assertive.”
Rather, let our lives lovingly express truth [in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly]. Enfolded in love, let us grow up in every way and in all things into Him Who is the Head, [even] Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).
Ephesians 4:15 AMPC
We usually see spouses in conflict at opposite ends of the spectrum, one focuses more on Truth and one more on Love.
The spouse who focuses on Truth will be more assertive and more confident. Their mode of communication will express more power and perhaps less respect for their partner. They don’t avoid conflict and they don’t feel dominated by the other. This spouse feels they have a very healthy way of communicating and solving problems, but they’re not great listeners.
The spouse who focuses on Love will be less assertive and less confident in the relationship. Their mode of communication will be less powerful but also less respectful of their partner. They may compromise the truth, not saying how they truly feel. They avoid conflict and they usually feel dominated by the other. This spouse knows they have a very unhealthy way of communicating and solving problems. They’re usually the listeners.
Mentoring a Couple to Maturity
When we see a pattern of unhealthy communication in a couple, we actually see ourselves years ago. We were not Christians for the first 18 years of our marriage, and had a lot to learn!
Both of us were avoiders, and we didn’t fight much at all. Our anger would come out, but not in assertive ways. He might be short with me, and spent a lot of time at work. I would slam doors, walk around with a frown on my face, and refuse to talk. But neither of us openly talked about how we were feeling and how to resolve the problems.
Mentors who have invested time in a couple can get to a place where they can gently help them realize their unhealthy communication. When we share the results of the Prepare-Enrich assessment, these patterns are revealed pretty clearly.
We pray for and with the couple, that they will be willing to be humble and own their part in the conflict. Here’s a great passage from the Bible that speaks to these kinds of patterns.
I, therefore, the prisoner for the Lord, appeal to and beg you to walk (lead a life) worthy of the [divine] calling to which you have been called [with behavior that is a credit to the summons to God’s service, living as becomes you] with complete lowliness of mind (humility) and meekness (unselfishness, gentleness, mildness), with patience, bearing with one another and making allowances because you love one another. Be eager and strive earnestly to guard and keep the harmony and oneness of [and produced by] the Spirit in the binding power of peace.
Ephesians 4:1-3 AMPC
Teaching Assertiveness and Active Listening
Besides the spiritual aspect of our work as mentors, we also teach practical skills in communication. With virtually every couple we start by teaching Assertiveness and Active Listening.
- Assertiveness is sharing not only what happened but how it made you feel. It’s using “I” instead of “you” when sharing about a conflict.
- Active listening is letting go of our tendency to listen half-heartedly while formulating our rebuttal. Active listening listens for the message and the emotion, and then rephrases the message back to make sure they got it right.
Here’s a video on the Speaker Listener Technique so you can listen in on a couple and see how it’s done.
You can practice this yourselves by sharing with each other one thing you remember an adult saying to you as a child, and how did it make you feel? We like to start with something that doesn’t cause conflict just so the couple can learn the technique. As you saw in the video, it feels awkward at first because most of us never learned to communicate in such an open way. But I promise you, it works!
ISo go ahead, try it. Your memory of something an adult said to you as a child and how it made you feel can be a positive message or negative. It’s usually best to share the first thing that popped into your mind.
You just might learn something new about your spouse that gives you real insight into him.
Why Techniques Alone Don’t Work
It’s pretty easy to teach the Speaker Listener technique, and most people can parrot it back without difficulty. But when the couple goes home and stress rises and life gets in the way, it’s not so easy to keep to this technique unless there has been a true life change.
God is in the business of changing our hearts, healing our past wounds, and developing true sacrificial love in us that gives us the staying power to be great communicators even when stress rises.
That’s why the mentoring process isn’t just a short term relationship. As a couple becomes more mature spiritually and learns the important skills, they will need less and less intervention from their mentors. Over time we have grown to love our couples and develop life-long friendships with them. We really aren’t so different from them after all. We still struggle sometimes with good communication and listening skills. Stress can do that to even the best of marriages!
We always remember that our mentees are not problems to be solved, but equals to be embraced.
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up – just as you in fact are doing.
1 Thessalonians 1:11-12 TLV