Marriage is not about who wins the game. Sometimes we forget we’re on the same team and we begin to pit ourselves against each other. If one spouse “wins” the other “loses.” And the marriage takes a hit. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Marital Offense and Defense
In any relationship conflict, there are typical offensive and defensive moves. Being on the offensive is about “gaining points” or “winning.” Being on the defensive is preventing your spouse from “gaining points” or “winning.”
Dr John Gottman, a well-known marriage researcher, has found there can be four typical responses in a conflicted marriage: criticism, defensiveness, stone walling (walking away, refusing to engage), and contempt. Gottman’s research shows there’s a 97% chance of divorce if one of these “four horses of the apocalypse” has become a pattern in a marriage.
Criticism and contempt are offensive marital tactics. Defensiveness and stone walling are defensive tactics.
Do you see yourself in these tactics? Many couples we talk to say they argue over and over about the same things. Nothing ever changes, and nothing is resolved. But you can be a marital game-changer.
Marital Game-Changer
Couples get into a sort of routine, with play by play, predictable moves in their game. Each partner contributes to the game, each plays a role.
If you are one to criticize, your spouse may typically either get defensive or walk away (stonewall). Over time, your unmet expectations can develop into contempt for your spouse. Contempt is the feeling that you are better than someone else. Your rolling eyes, sarcastic tone of voice and cutting words are examples of contempt. Again, your spouse will respond with defensiveness or stonewalling.
The key to changing the game is… drum roll, please! The key to changing the game is one person needs to change their response. If you’re reading this post, I nominate you!
In football, when something unexpected happens on the field, the players “call for an audible.” That’s when they audibly get new instructions on the play ahead of them. In your case, when he comes home on the offensive, instead of your typical split-second defensive reaction, call an audible to God!
Ask God how to respond in a life giving way, a way that isn’t about gaining points or winning yourself. Ask God for a response that makes your marriage the champion. Avoid getting on one of the four horses of the apocalypse!
Play a New Game
The following verses may help you remember the new rules of your marriage game.
A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
Proverbs 19:11 NIV
Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you— for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.
Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 NIV
Most of our sports are very competitive, like American football. But there is a game I heard of that is not competitive at all, but cooperative. This game could represent marriage! The game is called Frescobol, it’s a Brazilian paddle game. The object is to have fun and keep the ball in the air. Partners work with each other to see how long they can. Here’s the rules of Frescobol.
…because U count, deb