That day when my thoughts go from, “we have so much in common” to “we are nothing alike!” And our differences Can. Be. So. Annoying. Is it really possible that God’s Grace makes us different?
Why are we so Different?
You’ve probably seen this. A couple is engaged, and starry-eyed. They tell everyone, “we’re so much alike!” All you can think is, “You’re in la-la land honey, it’s so obvious you are NOTHING alike!”
Pre-marriage mentors agree. At our church, these mentors try to equip young couples to work around potential differences, but so often the couples are having none of it. “That will never happen to us!”
Fast forward to the week after the wedding, and already sparks are flying over the smallest things.
- She wants to socialize a lot, he wants to sit home a lot
- He likes everything neat and tidy, she is ok with a little (lot) of clutter
- She wants to know first thing in the morning exactly what her day will be like, he loves surprises
Why are we so different? Biology may be the answer, here’s an article sharing the Real Reason Opposites Attract.
Putting this question in Biblical terms, there are very good reasons why God wired us to be attracted to people who are different from us.
Why are his Differences so Annoying?
After the honeymoon is over, the realization that we’ve married someone so different from us may make us think we’ve made a drastic mistake. But in reality, opposites attract for good reasons.
Could it be that his differences become annoying because they reveal our own pride that my way is the best way? Consider this passage from the Bible.
For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.
Romans 12:3-6a
Don’t we all have a tendency to ‘think of myself more highly than I ought?’ Personally, I don’t think there is a relationship more difficult than marriage, nor a relationship more potentially blessed.
The difficulty comes when we begin to think we’re better than someone else. God has gifted each of us, we are all created in His image. We have different functions, which are often revealed in our personality preferences. I don’t have the same functions as my husband does. If we were exactly alike I probably wouldn’t have fallen in love with him in the first place. God drew us together for good reasons, reasons that will help me become more like Jesus than I ever could have been alone.
In order to grow more like Jesus, I need to grow less like my old self. And that’s the annoying part. I don’t want to admit I need to change.
God’s Grace makes us Different
Our clasped hands are an illustration of how God’s grace makes us different. The tips of your fingers represent your personality strengths, and the spaces between your fingers represent your personality weaknesses. When you clasp hands with your spouse, his strengths cover your weaknesses, and vice versa.
This is a beautiful picture of what happens when two humble, teachable Christ followers are joined together in marriage. The Bible speaks about us becoming One. Like puzzle pieces, we fit together better when we are different.
God’s grace is undeserved blessing. When God gives us gifts as faith-walkers, we don’t do anything to deserve them. In a similar way, we can think of our personality gifts as being undeserved. We are born with personality traits that usually stick with us for a lifetime. But our selfishness and pride puff us up into thinking that we are perfect. Not!
God brings a person into our lives and by some mysterious force, we fall in love. We discover after a while that we are very different. This is by design. It’s meant for our good, to help us grow to be more like Jesus. To round out our rough edges. To mature so we are not as extreme in our responses to life.
Start Embracing his Differences with Prayer
Is this post a paradigm shift for you? For me, learning about personality differences was a complete shift! As Bruce and I began to see our differences in a new light, we saw the beauty in how we were put together.
We use our differences in marriage mentoring and leading. It’s so much fun to work together and rely on each others strengths.
The best way I know to go through a paradigm shift like this is through prayer. Here’s a short prayer based on Romans 12.
Lord, help me to be devoted to my husband in love, giving preference to him in honor. I know that in your grace, you have given us different personality gifts; help me to value his gifts rather than trying to change him.
based on Romans 12:10, 6a
My books, Making Peace with Prickly People, and Mindful: Meditate & Color Your Way to Life-Giving Relationships, can help you with this paradigm shift as well. Both are written from the perspective of loving personality differences. Visit PricklyPeople to find out more.
…because U count, deb