You get to choose your mindset toward your spouse: Delight or Disappointment. You really do! Choose wisely, because your choice has consequences.
Choosing is Powerful
God gives us the powerful right to choose our mindset about everything. Choosing is very powerful, even if we don’t realize it.
I do admit that I have fears that when I come you’ll disappoint me and I’ll disappoint you, and in frustration with each other everything will fall to pieces—quarrels, jealousy, flaring tempers, taking sides, angry words, vicious rumors, swelled heads, and general bedlam.
2 Corinthians 12:20-21 MSG
It’s my right to be disappointed when my spouse doesn’t live up to my expectations, right? But the original Greek word for ‘disappoint’ in this passage means to will, to have in mind, to intend, to be resolved or determined, to purpose.
I’m making some pretty powerful assumptions if I choose to be disappointed:
- I intend to be disheartened
- I’m determined to be disillusioned
- I’m resolved to be embittered
- My goal in marriage is to be dissatisfied
When you think of it in those terms, don’t you want to choose to be delighted instead? Choosing is powerful!
Where does Disappointment Come From?
Disappointment in my spouse means he doesn’t live up to how I intend him to or have in mind for him to act.
I’m really judging him as wrong, imposing my will on him. It’s expecting him to behave as I would.
Most likely I expect him to behave like me, (organized, high energy, empathetic, cooperative, etc, etc.; you get the picture!) but he doesn’t. Because he’s not just like me.
Here’s an example. A wife I know loves to give gifts and is a very creative gift-giver. Her husband is not. At all. He really isn’t very creative and struggles to come up with creative ideas for gifts.
I suggested she give him a list of things that she would like, so he could get ideas from her list. She totally rejected that idea. She said that would ruin the surprise for her. Instead, she chooses to be disappointed year after year because her husband isn’t as creative as she is.
He’s not wrong, he’s just different.
Emerson Eggrichs
How can I Choose Delight?
Trust that you fell in love with him for good reasons. Can you remember what attracted you in the first place? There had to be some good qualities, right?
Some wives tell me they can’t remember one good thing about their husband, can’t remember for the life of them what they saw in him, to begin with. When we focus on the negative for a long time, eventually we will be unable to remember anything good about that person. We judge everything they do with a negative twist. So even if the person does something kind, we think there are negative ulterior motives.
Did you marry Hitler’s long lost cousin?
Emerson Eggrichs
I recommend praying about it. Ask God to show you the good qualities that He sees in your husband. Write them down as they come to mind. Start building a list. Ask other people who know your husband. If you asked his mother, what would she say? What about your kids, what do they especially love about their dad? How about his best friend?
Begin to pray through your list daily. Thank God for the good qualities in the mate He drew you to. As you pray through your list, your mindset will change. You will begin to notice, as you choose to delight in him, that you will see more and more good qualities in your husband. Your mindset will change so that even when he does something annoying you will assume he’s just having a bad day.
Focusing on disappointment will only increase disappointment.
Choose to Delight in your spouse, expect the best instead of the worst. Your marriage will benefit and so will you!
…because U count, deb