“If my husband doesn’t meet my needs, I’m outta’ here.” I worked for a small but mighty women’s libber when I was in high school, and I loved everything about her. I hung on her every word and committed them to memory.
But was that the secret to being fulfilled in marriage? I never stopped to wonder if any man is capable of meeting a woman’s needs? Many years later, I do know of One Man who is capable of meeting any woman’s needs, every day of her life. The ache inside of us is actually a catalyst egging us on to find Him. Let me explain.
Being Fulfilled in Marriage
In high school, I was looking for significance and identity, just like the rest of the kids. I was a committed women’s libber myself and dedicated to getting a degree and having a career. That woman I worked for taught me many valuable things about my identity, but she was dead wrong in how she viewed her marriage. Wonder if she is still married today?
When I talk to women who are seeking help with their marriages, I can hear echoes of my old mentor. These women frequently mention many ways their husbands are not meeting their needs, and how disappointed and hopeless they feel. They do quickly mention that they aren’t perfect either, but most of the conversation seems to revolve around how bad they feel and how little their husbands do to meet their needs.
God-Shaped Void in our Hearts
The emptiness they feel inside is common to all people. In 1670, Blaise Pascal, French mathematician
There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but only by God the Creator, made known through Jesus Christ.
Blaise Pascal
God designed us with the need to be completed and whole, but our separation from Him creates an ache that can only be satisfied by Him. Deep down inside is a yearning for wholeness and completeness. They call it the God-shaped void.
Why we Fight
It’s common to hear “my husband is my soul mate,” or “my husband completes me.” But our husbands cannot fill the void in our hearts and disappointment is planted.
James 4:1-2
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.
Killing someone sounds pretty extreme but Jesus said in Matthew 5:21-22 that calling someone a fool, or having contempt for someone is the same as murder! By Jesus’s definition, I am a murderer, and probably you are too. This passage proves that God knows us pretty well. When we don’t get what we want from someone our go-to response is to argue, fight, nit-pick, and nag.
I’m pretty good at hiding my feelings, or am I? We often think we’re pretty good at keeping our feelings hidden, but we speak volumes in our non-verbals. If you wonder if you are inadvertently revealing contempt for your husband in your voice read How Your Voice Holds Clues about Your Love Life.
When our husbands don’t meet our expectations we will often use tactics such as nagging and criticism. That will only encourage him to respond with defensiveness. We may up the ante, and express our contempt by rolling eyes and sarcasm. He may, in turn, respond by withdrawal or stonewalling. Finally, in desperation, we give up, fall out of love, and start searching for a good lawyer.
But maybe divorce isn’t the solution for the unmet needs. Maybe divorce is just a symptom of a deeper problem, one that is common to all mankind.
Being truly Fulfilled in Marriage
Turns out we’re just starving for Jesus all along.
Jeremiah 31:25
For I [fully] satisfy the weary soul, and I replenish every languishing and sorrowful person.
God created us in His image, and I believe he gave us this sense of longing and emptiness so that we would search for Him and find Him. He promises that if we search for Him with all our hearts, we will find Him.
What a beautiful promise! He is just waiting to fill us in all our empty places, giving us a clear sense of our identity and our purpose. He longs to shower us with His unconditional love so that we will learn to love the way He created us as His image bearer and learn to love those other image bearers that we struggle to live with.
Philippians 4:12-13
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
The secret of being fulfilled in marriage really has nothing to do with your husband or your marriage. It has everything to do with your relationship with God. You will be equipped to love your husband well when God fills you up, renewing and refreshing you. Loving others never causes them to go on the defensive. Your need to criticize and nag will fade away, as will your contempt. Your changed attitude will splash on your husband and in time, he will respond as well.
Resources for Getting Filled
Thanks for reading this post. I have a gift for you, its a short PDF called At the River with Jesus. There are 40 basic human needs, and this PDF contains a list of those needs, along with the Scripture verse that shows how Jesus meets that need. What are your most compelling needs? Do you long for security, confidence, respect or to be valued? Jesus is ready to meet any of these needs and more. Download the PDF below.
You may find my new devotional, Mindful: Meditate & Color Your Way to Life-Giving Relationships helpful. It’s a 30-day meditation and coloring book about loving God, yourself, and others. Click Mindful to learn more.
Finally, Making Peace with Prickly People, my book and study guide, will help you navigate your relationships with God, Self
…because U count, deb