Ali Nishan via Compfight
What is true love and how can we find it? In the 60’s, when I was a girl, the divorce rate was only about 20%. Today it pushes 50%, for first marriages. Second marriages end in divorce 67% of the time, and third marriages 74%. Contrast this to the divorce rate for arranged marriages, a mere 4%. Do these stats prove true love is found in arranged marriages?
What is an arranged marriage?
Since biblical times, arranged marriages have been the method of choice for finding a mate. The current American culture is entrenched in marrying for love. But across history and across the world, arranged marriages are the norm.
A traditional arranged marriage is a careful thought process taken by the parents of the bride and groom. They consider many things, such as intelligence, interests, culture, religion, values, and personality.
An emotional decision may not consider these all-important areas. And once the emotional heat wears off, the couple may find a disaster in its wake. So someone with a clear head and the couple’s best interests at heart should make the decision. Admittedly, there are very evil practices with respect to arranged marriages. But let’s just consider the model, not how it’s carried out by evil people.
What is true love?
God defines true love in the bible. He’s the source of true love, and we can only love because He first loved us. 1 Corinthians 13 is called the Great Love Chapter. It lists the qualities of true love. If I had true love for my husband, I would:
- Always be patient with him.
- Always be kind to him.
- Never envy him for anything.
- Never boast about me being better than him.
- Never let my pride get in the way of our relationship.
- Never, ever dishonor him.
- Never be selfish, but always be self-less in our marriage.
- Not be easily angered with him.
- Never, ever, ever keep a record of his faults toward me.
- Be broken-hearted when anything bad happens to him.
- Rejoice when good happens to him.
- Always protect him.
- Always trust him.
- Always hope for the best for him.
- Always persevere to make our marriage the best it could ever be.
Quite a list, right? This is the definition of “agape” love, which is defined as God’s love for us. God desires for us to attain to this kind of love for one another. Even though none of us is perfect, we do have a perfect model of this love in Jesus. He loves us with that kind of love. We are to grow to have that kind of love as well.
How could arranged marriages produce true love?
True love grows over time. It doesn’t occur on your first date. We’ve been married for 37 years, and I can honestly say that I love Bruce more deeply and richly than I did when we were dating in college. That first love is more like infatuation. It doesn’t last.
There are many things that I considered before marrying Bruce, so you could say that our marriage was arranged, sort of. I listened to my parents admonitions to find someone I was compatible with. I knew my parents approved of and loved Bruce before we married. My mom always said friendship was more important than love. She was right!
Here are some things that I considered back then, that have enabled our marriage to survive when marriages all around us were imploding. These are also the areas that parents consider when arranging their children’s marriages. They are areas you could consider when arranging your own marriage.
- Common interests – how we wanted to spend our time.
- Similar (but not the same) backgrounds, what did we grow up expecting from life?
- Faith or religion, even though at the time, neither Bruce nor I had any faith in God. We were similar in that.
- Complementing personalities. We were drawn to each other because we had different gifts and abilities.
- Extended family. Our families were a supportive network, not a divisive nightmare.
- Intelligence, we had similar capacities.
- Goals, we had similar aspirations for where we wanted to go in life.
How to arrange a marriage of love
I’m not advocating true arranged marriages. But I do advocate young men and women using this model as they consider marriage, before they fall head over heels in love. Arrange your own marriage!
- Who are you? Can you describe the points above about yourself? Do you know your own personality? What are your gifts and what are you weaknesses?
- What types of traits are you looking for in a mate?
- Who do you trust to help you in the decision? Share your list with those you trust, those who truly have your best interest at heart. Commit to them that you will listen to them when you start dating someone. They may know you better than you know yourself!
- Make a commitment now that when you marry you will not be one of those 50% who fails. Use your brain first, then let true love find its way to your heart.
“I think we have to change how we think of marriage. Marriage is a long-term partnership. And the problem is, a lot of times, we drift into marriage like it’s a summer fling and then we’re surprised when it doesn’t work out.” Preeti Gulati
I would love to read your list about your future spouse. Comment below and share it with us!
…because U count, deb
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