“…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse… ” Well-dressed family and friends sit in pews and hold their breaths as the couple tearfully pronounce their wedding vows. These few words, often stumbled over, full of emotion, are the main reason up to $50,000 has been invested in the big wedding day. When the party is over, these words are left to carry the new couple through life. Let’s take a look at the first part of the traditional vows, “for better, for worse.”
Where did Wedding Vows come from?
Maybe you remember your wedding vows. Were they traditional? Or did you craft creative vows? Did they include the phrase, for better, for worse or a similar phrase?
Originally, the vows as we know them today came from the Anglican Book of Prayer dated 1549. And before that, there is evidence back to the 11th Century that a formalized way of uniting two people in holy matrimony existed, (read more here). It’s interesting to note that there is no mention of weddings or ceremonies to unite two people in marriage in the Bible. Maybe that’s because Adam and Eve would have had no one to invite!
The phrase, “tying the knot” goes back that far too. An ancient Celtic custom, called a handfasting ceremony seems to be the origin of this phrase. A couple would hold hands and someone would bind their hands together with a ribbon or cord. The tradition represents the couple being bonded physically and spiritually to each other to show one’s commitment to the other person.
And that’s really the purpose of speaking wedding vows, to state before witnesses that a couple is committed to be bonded to each other, no matter what.
For Better
We hope better has played a bigger part in your life than worse in the equation, for better, for worse. Better days are not perfect, but manageable. Days when your relationship is strong and you are building memories and legacy for those who will follow you. These are days when you can remember why you were attracted in the first place.
I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
A strong marriage doesn’t just happen, it has to be maintained. Just like a garden, faithful watering and tending and planting and sowing are needed to keep the garden producing. So, in the better days, the best thing you can do is nurture your marriage. Build habits that will stand the test of time. Here are three simple suggestions. Pick just one and go for it. There’s no need to think you must be perfect, just work at it when you can.
The Habit of Prayer
First on the list is make a habit of prayer a priority. This is a rare thing in Christian marriages, even among pastors. But it is so worth the investment to bring your questions and concerns before God as a couple. It doesn’t have to be fancy and full of theology. Just come to God humbly together. Here’s a post about couple prayer.
God respecteth not the arithmetic of our prayers, how many they are;
not the rhetoric of our prayers, how neat they are;
nor the geometry of our prayers, how long they are;
nor the music of our prayers, how melodious they are;
but the divinity of our prayers, how heart-sprung they are.
Not gifts, but graces prevail in prayer.
John Trapp, English Puritan 1601-1669
The Habit of Dating
Secondly, establish a regular routine of dating your spouse. This is something that can so easily be pushed aside, especially when kiddos come along. We are all busy! But all the benefits your children receive from travel sports, after school activities, and music lessons will pale in comparison to parents who put their relationship first. Remember that you are a lifelong team, your children are only on loan to you for a short time. Here’s a post about Uncommon Dates.
The Habit of Couch Time
Finally, touch base once a day with Couch Time. Does this sound silly to you? Honestly, it can be a challenge when stress is high and responsibilities loom. But seriously, take a few minutes a day to have a conversation. When children come along, they should be present, but are not allowed to speak. A couple we know was having lots of issues with their young daughter. After just a short time, she now sits in rapt silence, just watching her parents interact. Even if you don’t have children at home, this small investment in your marriage will strengthen you for the days ahead.
For Worse
The phrase for better, for worse, was spoken by me at our wedding 47 years ago. Honestly, I expected my life would contain a lot of better, but not much if any worse. But all these years later, I know life is full of disappointments, stressors, and change that we don’t expect. Sometimes it’s minor disturbances and sometimes it feels as if our lives turned a page and we somehow wound up in a chapter where we don’t belong. When you find yourself in a worse situation in your marriage, remember the vows you took. If your vows were like the traditional ones, there is no promise to feel love, only the promise to act in loving ways. Vows are about our actions, not our feelings.
Love cannot remain by itself – it has no meaning. Love has to be put into action and that action is service.
Mother Teresa
Keep Doing the Good Things you used to do even if you don’t feel like it
If you are in a worse situation in your marriage, how can you live up to your vows? If you have built some good habits like the ones mentioned above, keep doing them. Even if you don’t feel like it. Keep up the good habits you’ve developed. Don’t let the negative feelings derail your lifelong commitment to each other.
Find a Solid Community
When a marriage is in trouble, this is where we believe God’s community can be a lifeline. There are many good retreats for married couples, Weekend to Remember is one of our favorites. Many times, we need wise counsel from older couples to guide us. Do you know an older couple whose marriage you admire? Can you swallow your pride and humbly ask for help? If your church has a marriage mentor team, this would be a great place to go. If not, ask your Pastor to visit For Marriage Champions and consider starting a ministry at your church.
Counseling vs. Mentoring
Counseling is also a great place to find help. But how do you find a good marriage counselor? Shop around. Here are some questions you can ask when choosing a counselor to work with you and your spouse.
- Have you been specifically trained in couple counseling?
- Do you believe in marriage?
- How long have you been counseling couples?
- What percentage of your clients are individuals, and what are the major issues you address?
- What percentage of your clients are couples, and what are the major issues you address?
- What percentage of your couples have ended up staying together?
- Would you counsel from a Christian standpoint, if asked to do so?
- If you don’t do couple counseling, who would you recommend?
The difference between counseling and mentoring isnt widely known. For help, sign up to receive our free resource, Marriage Mentoring Defined, along with other free gifts, at Our Free Gifts to You.
Statistics show that if a struggling couple sticks it out, working through the difficulties, within five years they come out stronger and more committed than ever. Even if you are feeling alone in your desire to improve your marriage, there is still hope. Sign up below for Momentum Monday’s. The rest of this month we will be posting about your for better, for worse relationship with God.
When one spouse is willing to change, they will benefit, even if the other spouse is not willing. Emerson Eggerichs is often asked by a couple, who should go first and be humble and willing to change? He always answers, “The one who is more spiritually mature, of course.”
What’s Next?
The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages (affiliate link) is a sweet little book packed with simple brain science hacks that promise to boost your emotional, spiritual, and physical connection. Only 15 minutes a day are needed to impact how you play, appreciate, listen and rest together.
We are introducing a new weekly meditation called Momentum Monday that follows each monthly blog post. Each week of that month, you’ll dive deeper into the theme of the blog post, toning your spiritual core. Anticipate building a stronger core for stability, balance, purpose and momentum in your Christian life. To receive the weekly Momentum Monday emails, sign up here.
Next month we will continue our four month journey through the traditional marriage vows, and why they are critical for your marriage and your spiritual life. Stop by in April when our topic will be “For Richer, for Poorer.”
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