When we mentor a couple in a blended marriage, where either one or both have been married before, we make sure to talk about their relationship with their exes. Specifically, we want to impress on them the importance of forgiving after divorce, so their current marriage is free from the baggage of bitterness.
My friend, Robin Luftig knows the truth of carrying bitterness and the sweet release of letting it go. That’s why she wrote her books, God’s Best during Your Worst, and Learning to Bloom Again: Walking through Forgiveness after Divorce.
We’re grateful she contributed this frank guest blog about her forgiveness journey. We hope you are blessed by her insights.
Read more: Letting Go of Lost Dreams by Forgiving after DivorceRobin Luftig’s Journey from Lost Dreams to New Hope
Engaged couples see bright, new lives before them. They’re certain they found their one true love and are set for their own happily ever after. Often, they are oblivious to the perils and pitfalls that could lay before them if life together takes a dark turn. No couple ever sets out to divorce, but it’s a reality for many of today’s marriages.
I lived that reality.
In 2019 I published the second edition of Learning to Bloom Again: Walking Through Forgiveness After Divorce as I tried to heal from my own divorce. I had several behind me.
- The first divorce came after marrying as a teen and I realized I married way too young.
- The second divorce came after I remarried for the wrong reasons—provision.
- The third divorce came after I married a man because I was lonely.
After the last divorce, I realized the common thread in these failed marriages was me.
From that discovery, I spent years trying to understand why I sought my value from relationships. It was when I allowed Christ into my life and accepted His love, patience, and mercy, I realized my value rested in Him. Armed with this epiphany, I focused on what He wanted me to do.
I learned my first responsibility to myself and these past relationships was to forgive.
How Could I Forgive after Divorce?
Authentic forgiveness is based on honesty: first with myself, then with others. In striving to forgive, I needed to know what the basis of my hurts was. Most came from fears, resentments, or unmet expectations, anywhere from the loss of trust to loss of financial security. I needed to take responsibility of my feelings. I knew I could not truly forgive if I didn’t acknowledge on what my hurts were based.
When I became a Christian, I no longer had the luxury to hold onto anger—even the anger that can grow from divorce. Because forgiveness is foundational in experiencing true healing, I had to be prepared to forgive as Jesus encourages us.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Matthew 6:14
I had to offer forgiveness.
Additionally, just because my marriage was over didn’t mean the relationship was. I learned a valuable lesson: a marriage may end but a relationship never does … it only changes.Whether the person moves away, remarries, or even dies, the relationship persists. Sound counselors told me to do my best to get along with my soon-to-be ex. As long as I breathed, they will always be a part of my life. In one form or another.
And I couldn’t forget about my children. I had three beautiful gifts from God. They were faced with divorcing parents. If I modeled unforgiveness, that resentment would have assimilated into their lives. Even before I became a Christ follower, I knew I was to protect my children, not infuse malice into their worlds.
Who Else Do I Need to Forgive?
While it should’ve been obvious whom to forgive, there were also the Ripple People, those close to me but outside my marriage. Here are a few examples.
In-laws or Grandparents
My relationship with my ex-in-laws was very important. I had to be willing to offer grace as well as forgive. It was challenging to encourage them to grasp forgiveness, respect, and healing. I had to realize they were watching their own child hurt. They were also concerned that their role of grandparents was being challenged. I learned I had to give them the space to heal and process their loss as well as the loss they watched their son go through.
Friends
“But who gets custody of the friends?” is sometimes asked in jest, but I experienced watching friendships splinter. I felt I was in a kid’s kickball game and teams were being chosen. It was an unexpected tragedy to go through.
The book of Proverbs is filled with wisdom on how to treat friendship.
A friend loves at all times … One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 17:17a, 18:24
Because God holds friendship in such an honor, I chose to do what I could to help those near us heal their hearts.
Forgiving after Divorce? You Choose.
Paul writes in the book of Romans about our responsibilities in seeking peaceful relationships.
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18
To do my part with living in peace, that included forgiveness. I had to choose between healing and continuing to be a blessing to others … or not.
But peace starts with forgiveness.
During my time of discovery, I did my best to focus on God. He was the creator of marriage and knows how it works best. When my marriage was over, it didn’t negate the fact that He still was my Heavenly Father and had plans for me and my life. The same goes for anyone healing from a divorce.
It doesn’t matter the circumstances surrounding divorce, God’s word is clear that he seeks the best for us.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose
Romans 8:28
While divorce wasn’t part of God’s original plan, it doesn’t mean a person’s value is gone. He continues to love us in all our circumstances.
If you are experiencing divorce, don’t hide from your grief, rejection, and broken heart. Just as flowers push through the spring’s snow to find the sun’s warmth, you, too, can reach for all the sunlight you can find. With this new realization of forgiveness—along with God’s faithfulness—you, too, can learn to bloom again.
About our Guest Blogger, Robin Luftig
Be grateful in everything–even the bumpy rides … is Robin Luftig’s mantra while either writing or speaking to audiences on healing after tragedy. The central theme to all her messages–grace is available for everyone. She’s an award-winning author with books such as the non-fiction God’s Best During Your Worst as well as her first novel of a series, Ladies of the Fire. Learn more and find her books on her website.
Additional Resources about Forgiving after Divorce
Forgiveness is a big topic, one I (Deb) personally worked through for many years in my own story. Here are some other articles and videos that may help you in your journey. And, of course, make sure you check out Robin’s books on her website.
- Article: The Power of Forgiveness in Healing after a Christian Divorce
- Article: How to Say ‘Yes’ to Forgiveness
- Video: Why is Forgiveness Crucial to Inner Healing?
- Video: How do I Process Hurt and Anger when I’m Overwhelmed after a Divorce?