Marriage Monday: Respect

As I look around at today’s culture, I don’t see a lot of compelling examples of respect. No wonder it’s so difficult to respect our spouses. What should respect look like in marriage?

Respect in our Culture

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. – was one of Aretha’s most well-known ballads. We all just need a little respect, right? (Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me!) 🤣

We don’t see a lot of examples of respect in America in many arenas: for different religions, races, ethnic groups, genders, political parties, medical front line workers, well you get the picture. We even show gross disrespect for sports teams!

If you’re like me, growing up under the influence of feminism, we went kind of overboard with lifting up our sisters as we were pounding down our brothers with sarcasm and disrespect.

It’s no wonder we struggle to show respect for our spouses.

Respect in God’s Word

One way respect is expressed in God’s Word is the “Golden Rule.”

Do to others as you would have them do to you.‭‭

Luke 6:31 NIV

And this verse, which refers directly to marriage, uses the scary word “submit.” It means a “voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.‭‭

Ephesians 5:21 NIV

Respect in Marriage

What does respect look like in marriage? Respect isn’t a feeling, and it isn’t something we reward others with when they behave the way we expect. Respect is a voluntary choice I make to treat someone with honor regardless of how I feel about them or their behavior.

Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect. If it’s not based on respect, nothing that appears to be good will last very long. 

Amy Grant

God requires us to treat other people with respect because they are made in God’s image and have infinite value and worth. Treating someone with respect does not mean I condone their behavior or beliefs.

Treating someone with respect is very hard to do, mainly because it means I have to give up my “right” to be right, to assume if you don’t agree with me there’s something wrong with you, and you need to change. None of us want to be treated like that, but it’s surprising how easy it is to treat others that way.

Marriage “Bill of Rights”

Here’s a “Bill of Rights” that explains in a practical way what respect looks like (from The Third Option). You might be tempted to read these rights as a way to judge your spouse, asking yourself where is he falling short in this list to treat me right? Please try to read them with a humble open heart instead. Ask yourself, how am I failing to afford my spouse these rights?

1. The right to space and privacy (not reading each other’s journal, respecting his right to quiet and space).
2. The right to be different (allowing for preferences in food and activities, honoring their different personality and not trying to change them).
3. The right to disagree (about politics, about friends, about how we think).
4. The right to be heard (listening to each other’s opinions, thoughts, feelings, really just listening).
5. The right to be taken seriously (being present to each other, listening and exploring ideas together instead of shutting them down).
6. The right to be given the benefit of a doubt (assume the best, don’t expect the worst).
7. The right to be told the truth (be truthful when asking questions, don’t try to trap them if you already know the answer).
8. The right to be consulted (checking and asking when decisions will affect them too).
9. The right to be imperfect and make mistakes (leave “room” for mistakes, having a bad day, etc).
10. The right to courteous and honorable treatment (treat each other as you would a stranger or your supervisor at work, sometimes we forget to be courteous to those who are closest to us).
11. The right to be respected (as an image bearer of God, as a unique, gifted creation, as your counterpart in a one-flesh marriage).

How your Respect Changes his Respect

Before you read over that list again – pray first and ask God to reveal the truth to you, showing you where you could do better. When you feel that nudge, agree with God, and tell Him the truth about what you are feeling.

Ask God for forgiveness, and ask your spouse for forgiveness. Then continue to pray for guidance and healing in that area.

Make an effort to act in a respectful way using the examples given. As you agree with God and work to change, He will transform you.

In any relationship, especially in marriage, when we are respectful, honorable and polite we naturally encourage the other person to be respectful, honorable and polite.

You might ask, who should go first? After all, he’s the one who is mostly disrespectful. I’m just responding to his harsh treatment.

I nominate you to go first, you know why? Because you cared enough to read to the end of this post and that means I assume you really do want to improve your marriage.

What do you have to lose?