When you don’t see any options for healing your marriage problems, maybe you’re looking in the wrong place. Just be careful where you look for solutions, because nobody likes being The Problem!
Do you see Problems in your Marriage?
Women are usually good at spotting red flags in relationships. They say men’s brains are focused on the big picture. “Get the woman”, and then they move onto the next big picture, “Achieve success.” Life is like a ladder, and they don’t look back.
They say women’s brains work differently; we see the details, and we try to perfect things once we have accomplished them. So just being married isn’t enough for us, we want to go the extra mile, build our relationships to have greater intimacy and love. Meanwhile, the man is onto his next thing.
Statistically, wives are far more likely to seek out marriage help, either counseling or mentoring. Counselors say something like 80-90% of the calls they get are from women. That’s about the same for us in our church’s marriage ministry. Women are far more likely to initiate marriage help.
It’s been about 4 years since we started leading the marriage ministry at our church campus, and I’ve fielded calls from something like 200 women in that time. After all those discussions, I see patterns in many of the wives I talk to as they share their concerns with me.
- “If he would just change or even make some effort…”
- “I’m not perfect, but…”
- “I’m not keeping a record of wrongs; I was hurt….”
- “Actually, he’s not interested in God, I go to church by myself.”
Women are good at spotting problems.
Look for Solutions in a Different Direction
While women are far more likely to initiate marriage help, men are far more likely to be the first ones to quit counseling.
Nobody likes to be The Problem.
If you’re out of options for healing your marriage, why not try a different direction? Instead of focusing on the hundreds of ways he has failed to be a good husband, focus instead on the one or two ways you have failed as a wife.
My mom used to say, “it takes two to tango!” She usually said this when I was fighting with one of my sisters. It was pretty annoying because I naturally thought it was all my sister’s fault! We have a hard time seeing our own failures, while the failures of others are crystal clear.
I don’t think the wife is always at fault. Of course not! But when we are in a challenging relationship, no matter who started it, our response is our responsibility. Can you examine your heart today as you read these verses and ask God, where have I failed to be the kind of wife you ask me to be? How can I grow to be more like Jesus in this relationship?
You will probably find that if you take a small first step, your husband will be more willing to make a small first step as well.
It’s better to live all alone in a rundown shack than to share a castle with a crabby spouse!
Proverbs 25:24 TPT
You can be sure of this: when the day of judgment comes, everyone will be held accountable for every careless word he has spoken. Your very words will be used as evidence against you, and your words will declare you either innocent or guilty.
Matthew 12:36-37 TPT
And when you pray, make sure you forgive the faults of others so that your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you withhold forgiveness from others, your Father withholds forgiveness from you.”
Matthew 6:14-15 TPT
…because U count, deb