God knows I will sometimes struggle with thinking positively about my spouse. How about you? If you made a list of all the wonderful qualities of your mate, would your list be ‘vast?’ God’s list would be! He thinks the world of your spouse.
Thoughts on Negative Thoughts
Jesus said that our mouths speak what’s in our hearts.
But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
Matthew 15:18-19 NIV
Yikes! That’s some list! God’s heart is pure love and He sees the gifts and potential of everyone.
Our hearts aren’t quite so pure or loving!
At times in the past, the list in my head of my husband’s qualities would have been mostly negative. I realized that was a very unhealthy situation. Someone had to change: and that someone was me!
As Emerson Eggrichs said, I didn’t marry “Hitler’s long lost cousin.” My husband is a good-hearted man. But the longer we focus on the negative, the more negatives we will see. And the more negatives we see, the bleaker our marriage will feel.
Negative thoughts are too negative to be true. They are often exaggerated in nature or predict that something bad will happen in the future. When it comes to marriage, negative thoughts may include things like, “My spouse never does anything to help me because he doesn’t care about me,” or “My wife doesn’t care how upset I am. I’d be better off single than living with someone who doesn’t care.”
Marriage Counseling Blog
These sorts of thoughts are often distorted and irrational. However, people have two choices when they have these sorts of thoughts. You can choose to believe them. Or, you can correct them by replacing them with something that is more accurate.
Words can Change Your Brain
Mark Waldman and Andrew Newberg, M.D. have researched the effects of words on the health of our brains. These neuroscientists help us understand that merely speaking a negative or positive word sets off electrical and chemical effects in the brain that can, over time, make the difference between healthy and unhealthy living.
Negative words are self-perpetuating. The more you engage in negative thinking, the harder it will be to stop. And the longer you think in a negative way, the more toxic your thinking will become to your decision-making abilities.
But negative words, spoken with anger, do even more damage. They send alarm messages through the brain, interfering with the decision making centers in the frontal lobe, and this increases a person’s propensity to act irrationally.
The Most Dangerous Word in the World
The (Gradual) Power of Positive Thinking
Someone did need to change: me! God began to show me how my negative, toxic thinking was poisoning my relationships and my health (my negativity wasn’t just about my marriage – it was a trend for me in many relationships). I started to keep a list of Bruce’s positive qualities. The more I thought about them, the more positives I saw.
Gradually my heart began to change.
When we switch from a negative, toxic mindset to a positive one the change in our brains is going to be gradual. That’s because our brains don’t respond as quickly to positive thinking as negative. We are wired to respond quickly when we are threatened, in danger, or face challenges. So the response is lightning quick.
When we switch to positive thinking, it will take longer for us to feel different.
…if you want your business and your personal relationships to really flourish, you’ll need to generate at least five positive messages for each negative utterance you make (for example, “I’m disappointed” or “That’s not what I had hoped for” count as expressions of negativity, as does a facial frown or nod of the head). It doesn’t even matter if your positive thoughts are irrational; they’ll still enhance your sense of happiness, wellbeing, and life satisfaction.
The Most Dangerous Word in the World
How to go from Negative to Positive
How about you? Is your thinking about your spouse mostly negative or mostly positive?
If you are having trouble wrapping your mind around the idea of becoming an optimist about your mate, start with prayer. God already has a vast list of your husband’s positive qualities. Will you start by asking Him to share His list with you?
How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.
Psalm 139:17-18 NIV
We often selfishly think this well-known passage is meant just for us. And it is. But God’s positive thoughts are just as numerous about your spouse. Are you curious about those thoughts?
My books, Making Peace with Prickly People and Mindful: Meditate & Color Your Way to Life-Giving Relationships can help you overcome negative, toxic thinking. Find these and more resources at PricklyPeople.com.
…because U count, deb