The golem effect is when low expectations lead to poor performance. Don’t be a golem, instead be a highlighter. Constantly search for the good in your husband and watch him shine.
What is a Golem?
The golem effect is a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, that negative expectations about someone will cause them to fail. It’s been studied many times in education and business. A golem is the person who spreads this nastiness.
The “golem” may be a teacher who has low expectations or labels for a student. It may be a supervisor who is contemptuous about an employee and doesn’t believe they can ever improve. Here’s a golem effect article that might be of interest.
What is a Highlighter?
A highlighter is someone who looks for the best in someone else, which also becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the person lives up to the high expectations. In psychology this is called the Pygmalian effect.
This effect has been studied often as well. But again, only in relation to education and business. Here is an article about the Pygmalion Effect that describes its origin and some of the research.
Is there a Golem in your Marriage?
We understand the golem effect in business and in parenting – it just makes sense. In fact, if a teacher ever spoke to our children in a demeaning way we would be on our way to the Principal’s Office! But for some reason, we try to motivate our husbands with disrespect, low expectations, and criticism. Is there a golem in your marriage?
I talk to many wives who have very low expectations for their husbands. They may have been disappointed in a past behavior and now they can’t imagine how he can improve. They communicate as a golem by words, tone of voice, and facial expressions.
Their husbands have no doubt they are failures, and consequently live up (or down) to those low expectations. Sometimes the golem can be the husband himself.
How to Become a Highlighter in your Marriage
To become a highlighter, constantly search for the good in your husband. Not so easy, you say? Here are some practical ideas to get you started.
Start by writing down all the things that attracted you to him in the first place. Looking through old photographs or reading old journals may help you remember. Sometimes when conflict has been present in a marriage for a long time, it can be hard for the spouses to remember why they were ever attracted to each other.
Then look for evidence of those qualities you remembered. Tell him about them when you see them. Make sure your feelings about these things are genuine, don’t fake it. But the qualities don’t have to be monumental – just little, everyday things that you might have not been noticing for a while.
- “You always make sure we have a full tank of gas and detailed directions before we head out on vacation. You’ve been doing that since I met you and it makes me so happy that you take care of all the details so I don’t have to.”
- “I love it that you are so playful with the kids. They just love that interaction with you, when you wrestle with them like that it shows them you love them.”
- “Thanks for reminding me to sit down and take a break at the end of the day. I have so many things on my mind and the work never seems to end. But I love letting some things go and just spending downtime with you. You bring me peace!”
Some Highlighter Studies to Help you
Another way to jump-start your highlighter skills is to join the 30 Day Kindness Challenge. This study by Shaunti Feldhahn is a fun and informative way to practice the pygmalion effect and see how it can change not only your husband, but you too.
My book, Making Peace with Prickly People is a resource that may help you stop acting as a golem in your marriage. Find more details, a free study guide, and other helps at PricklyPeople.
Being a highlighter in your marriage is guaranteed to improve your husband’s outlook. Start highlighting his good traits and watch him shine. And an added bonus: when you search for what’s good in him, you feel great yourself!
…because U count, deb