Do you have problems in your marriage that keep coming up but no solution seems possible? Maybe they’re perpetual problems. Here’s how to solve those problems and change your quibbles into chuckles.
What are Perpetual Problems?
Dr. John Gottman says 69% of marital conflict revolves around perpetual, unsolvable problems. He says couples may get entrenched in arguing about things like personality, cultural, and religious differences, but are never able to change the other spouse.
Gottman says happy couples learn to live with unsolvable differences – often using humor. Perpetual problems are even found in highly happy marriages – that’s the good news.
Here’s an article with more information from Dr. John Gottman.
If you’re married to someone who isn’t your clone, you WILL have perpetual problems.
So how do you deal with them?
How we Solved One Perpetual Problem
One of our (many) perpetual problems is I want a dog and Bruce doesn’t. We used to have a dog, she was a beagle who had a mind of her own. She was fun and loved to play and run, but she did bring her own brand of chaos into our house. At times she exasperated me, but I miss her!
We are empty nesters now, and Bruce appreciates not having a dog to tie us down. He also didn’t like the mess that a shedding (and pooping) dog creates. One time we were talking about my desire for a dog and Bruce said, “You’re just going to have to wait until I die to get a dog!”
I must admit my first thought was, I could arrange for that! HA-HA But my actual response was, “Ok, when you die I’m going to get a dog that doesn’t shed, has poop the size of a jelly bean, and I’m going to name it Bruce!”
In honor of that future Bruce, we now have a dog (see photo) who doesn’t shed, doesn’t poop at all, and I’ve named him Bruce!
Oh, and if I die first, Bruce will get a tv in the bedroom and call it Deb! 🤣
Why Should We Solve Perpetual Problems?
I’ve told this story to many women. I get a variety of responses.
- “You need a dog!” The truth is, I don’t need a dog. I need Jesus. I need to pursue oneness with my husband. But I don’t need a dog!
- “Just get a dog!” Women say this to me as if I’m dimwitted and controlled by my husband. If I was considering buying a dress, I would just get it. But a dog is a major lifestyle change. I would never dishonor my husband and bring a dog into our home without his approval.
Compromise is not the easy way out in marriage. It’s hard to compromise and work together. But if we are ever to become One in marriage, compromise is the only way to accomplish that. Dr. Gottman sees many happy couples who deal with perpetual problems with humor. I love to tell the story about my dog named Bruce because it makes people laugh. And i love that!
I also can see Bruce’s side of the problem. We are free to come and go as we like, and we aren’t tied down. And I do borrow dogs – we have an adorable grand-dog, and several friends have entrusted their dogs to me while they go away. So I can get my dog fix that way!
And I have a happy hubby who makes many compromises for me.
Perpetual problems don’t have to remain problems forever, they can become catalysts that grow us to honor and respect each other as we share a good laugh.
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone (even your husband)!
Romans 12:18 (my translation)
…because U count, deb