is he mr. right or mr. wrong - part 2

Iain Heath via Compfight

They say opposites attract. Have you fallen in love with your opposite? Is he Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong? That depends on what you mean by “opposite.” Are you opposite in nature or in nurture? This is part 2 of a three part series. This post will describe what it means to be opposite in nurture or environment.

Opposite how – in nature or in nurture?

There are two basic influences in making us who we are – our nature and our nurture. Our nature is our inborn temperament. Even siblings with the same environment can have very different temperaments or natures.

Our nurture is our environment, the outside influences that we are born into, that we cannot control.

Opposite in nurture or environment

Our nurture is the outside influences that cause us to make decisions and experience the world around us. Our nurture includes our family culture, our education level, our religious upbringing, our nationality, our social status, among many others.

Our nurture is outside us. It influences the way we interpret the world around us. It sets up expectations about how life and people will treat us. Our nurture determines how we respond to love and what we will expect from marriage. Research shows that when we marry someone who is very similar to us in nurture, our marriages will be more stable and long-lasting.

The marriages with the least conflict are ones where both spouses grew up in similar environments.

“The research findings are quite clear: marriages that are homogeneous in terms of economic background, religion and closeness in age are the most stable and tend to be happier.” Read the Huffinton Post article.

“Do opposites attract? In general, the more similar a couple’s background in terms of education, religion, nationality and social status, the better.” Read the Stronger Marriage article.

Mr. Right should be similar to you in nurture

If you are very different in nurture and are wondering if he might be Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong, consider the challenges you may encounter.

If your nationality is very different, you may experience conflict from your extended families. Research shows that troubled marriages almost always have in-law conflict.
If one of you comes from a dysfunctional family, there is often a great need for counseling or recovery before emotional healing takes place. A marriage can only be as emotionally healthy as the least healthy spouse.
If your educational background is very different, your goals and aspirations about life may be very different as well. That can cause great conflict in the areas of finances, future planning, and child-raising.
If your religious background is very different, you may believe that won’t be an issue since you are not religious. But many young adults find they feel a need for God as they get older and begin to have children. The religious differences may not surface for years, but they can cause great conflict later on.
Many expectations about our lives are set in childhood. How many children do you want? Do you expect both spouses to work? Are you a saver or a spender? Are you comfortable with physical affection? These and many other expectations can cause conflict in a marriage.

How to know – Is he Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong?

If you’ve already married, and are asking yourself this question, I hope you will be encouraged by this post to find help in resolving your differences. Even if you feel you’ve married Mr. Wrong, your marriage can be made right. There is a wonderful tool that I refer to below that can help. Find mentors or counselors to help you navigate your differences. Get the healing you and your spouse need. Let God redeem your marriage, He longs to do that.

If you have not married yet, and are wondering if you’ve met Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong, take this post and the previous post to heart. Think through the nature and nurture of you and your guy. The resource I mention below is for you as well.

Prepare & Enrich

My husband and I are facilitators for Prepare & Enrich. This assessment tool is designed for pre-married or married couples. We have found the tools very helpful and encouraging for the couples we’ve worked with in our church. Prepare-Enrich helps couples to:

Explore factors that lead to relationship longevity
Strengthen their communication skills
Identify areas of stress and resolve conflicts
Comfortably discuss financial issues
Establish personal, couple, and family goals
Understand and appreciate personality differences

Visit the Prepare & Enrich website. While I recommend the tool, I do not receive a commission for saying so. You can locate a facilitator on the website to help you take the first steps toward ensuring Mr. Wrong becomes Mr. Right.

…because U count, deb

Is he Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong – part 1

Is he Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong – part 3